welp here we go again lol i have written over the years on and off and its honestly easier to type than write in an actual journal 

last time i wrote i felt broken and honestly i cant remember why either my job (more on that later) or the end of my friendship with Kelsey

things have gone downhill in the last year with my job . i came back to Dynamic in Aug 2023 and its now Jan 2025 and i have feelers out there for further opportunities. i feel guilty leaving again but i need to do what's best for me and my life and my mental health and im just not passionate at this job . i moved into project assistant with amanda in october of 2023 and i just dont think she trusts me or rick trusts me and ive lost my spark. ive lost my will to want more and want better. its going to be awful when i have to tell her im leaving but she hasnt been the same person since she bought stakes in the company.

cory is very supportive and just wants me to be happy

i guess im writing this so i can look back in a few months and see that it was all for the better.

 i feel so broken

everything feels broken

i dont even know how to describe it .....

i feel like im trying to keep all the puzzle pieces together but they arent the same picture....

 man oh man i was in a sketchy place last time i wrote.

its been 48 days since we got married and it went beautifully . the day was perfect.  it all came together in the end .

i left my job at the glass company and now am back there after 6 weeks away. in hindsight i should have just had a conversation with my boss about how i was feeling and where i was mentally but i didn't and you live and learn.

not really much else to report ....we are going to be moving in November (not my fave time) so that's exciting. other than that we are just digging our way out of wedding bills and what not 

i feel better and calmer than i have in a very long time and i know some of that comes from not planning a huge life changing event but there is a peace over my life

till next time .... 

 im not sure how to label this post. im not even sure anyone reads this anymore. i think its more of an online journal to see where im at and look at back at how far ive come.

74 days till we get married. 75 days and it will all be over and life can go on.

if i knew before i started planning / saving what i know now i would have skipped it all and went away to get married.

i hate every part of it . its so stressful and frustrating. i dont think me and cory have fought so much in our entire relationship. i love him and want this marriage but the wedding is a whole other story....

i dont think i will write to much today as im not feeling great and its hard to look at the screen for too long. 

fingers crossed its not another stroke.....

update

well its been almost a year to the date that i have written. covid is pretty much over but not before both me and cory got it in april of 2022 and then i had a stroke shortly there after. it was pretty scary and i am still nervous about pains or forgetting things. 

we are still on track to be married in july of this year and let me tell you planning a wedding is one of the hardest, loneliest things i have ever done. am i excited? of course. do i wish i would have scaled back and not let tictok or social media influence me? of course. 168 days today we will say i do. 

 the dogs, dixie and memphis, are doing so well. dixie was a challenge the first year, we lost pillows and a couch and she ate a chair and a bottle of gorilla glue but now she is the sweetest thing. memphis has his days but when push comes to shove he will cuddle with her on the couch :) 

 my job is still going well, i was promoted to sales and retail manager and i run a crew of 4 techs and one office staff. there are good days and bad days and days that seem like they will never end but i do love it 

 im going to say i will write more but i think i forget that i have this blog where my thoughts go out into the internet world. i will boomark it and treat it like writing to an old friend or future me. 

 all the best.