the long goodbye

fri night my phone started ringing at 2am and i knew it was James. i was expecting him to call since i texted him that i was leaving at the end of the month. anyway i pick him up from the bar and we came back here and watched spongebob. he started to get all sentimental bout when we used to watch it together when we were together. we went to bed and cuddled and he said that he felt so safe and loved with me, it might have been the whiskey talking but it was nice to hear all the same. i asked him why when im sure he has more than one girl in his phone does he call me, he said he never really thought about it and he knew that i would always be there for him.

as much bullshit as i have gone through with him in that last few months i am gonna miss him. he was gone out of my life for 3 yrs and now that he is back in it, it makes me sad that he wont be just a cab ride away. i know i cant stay here for him and hold out hope that we will be together one day because if its ment to be then we will find our way back to each other, we did it once so maybe we can do it again. part of me wishes he would open his eyes and see the great thing thats right in front of him but i cant wait forever, i got over him once i can do it again. he will always be the one that got away and there is nothing i can do to change that.
i guess im just in sad place cause i thought i started to build a nice little life for myself here and in a moment that all changed.

 i was happy and now i just feel so lost again.....

trying it sober for awhile...

he never came to the party and i think i may have fucked it all up.

he called at 6pm and said that his buddies bought him a ticket on a pub crawl so he wasnt gonna be able to make it. i went to Sam's and no one was coming to her party so my other friend Dani texted me and asked me if i wanted to come to the bar so i said yes and Sam got mad at me cause i was leaving her "party" but come on im 24 and single and looking sexy so why would i stay there with her and her fiance. i went to the bar drank and danced and called Kyle at like 2am (which i totally regret but i dont remember doing it till today cuz my boss said that he mentioned something to him on sunday) anyway James showed up and left and then i went down hill and just wanted to go home so i went with Dani and a guy she picked up to eat bfast and called James to come get me, which he did and im kinda surprised bout that but whatever he slept over (just slept, nothing happend) and ya that was my halloween.

i think im cursed when it comes to that holiday cause i always set out with the best of intentions and things just fall apart. im staying home next year.

speaking of staying home, im gonna cut back in my drinking cause nothing good comes of it. i mean Kyle probally thinks im pshyco for calling at 2am and i really wanted to make a good impression on him and not let him see that side of me...as far as James goes, we have an understanding and thats just what it will be unitll i get strong enough to walk away from him once and for all...

i feel bad, emotionally, mentally and physically.

monday morning confessions

Well what an interesting weekend….this bullshit with James has got to stop !!! I know that I said I was ok with it but im not and let me tell you why.
At 230 am on Saturday, I got a phone call from him that went a little something like this:
Him = come to the bar
Me= no its 230 im not coming
Him = well if you don't come we cant make out
Me = we aren't gonna make out anyway
(I don't think he heard me) Him = if you don't come we cant cuddle
Me = last time we did that you said it was a mistake
Him = well ive thought a lot about it since then and I think we should sit down and talk alone
Me = ok well if you wanna talk you can call me in the morning
That was it or so I thought…I got another phone call after that and it was pretty similar convo to the first and then another phone call about ½ hour after the second one and that one I just let ring. I found out the next day that he ran into a friend of mine so that's probably what prompted the calls. I dunno what he is sudden need to talk was all about but enough is enough, I need to get in touch with him and not at 3 in the morning and just lay it all out on the line and its all or nothing cause I cant do this with him anymore. For the record, he never called me yesterday but I did call a couple times last night but it just rang and then went to voicemail, I didn't leave a message.

give it up and let it go

its been 3 weeks and i think im over my crush....i like him but im an old fashion girl and he was interested in me then i would think he would step up and ask me out or whatever...i mean i still like him and think hes a cool guy and would like to get to know him better but its not worth it to worry about how to act around him. so whatever lets chalk it up to "he's just no that into me" and i will move on with my life and if something down the line happens i will post about it and if not then thats ok to.

on the James front...i went out to his place on sunday against all of my better judgement, we watched "love actually" and i came home around 3am, mind you i didnt go out there till almost 12pm so ya...ive become very aware of the kind of realtionship we have and that it only happens when its convient for him and im ok with that because sometimes i just need that company in my life and i will be very curious to see what happens if/when i start dating someone...will he walk away all together or step up when faced with loosing me out of his life altogether again?

i guess we will wait and see on everything....

getting there

In the last little bit I have been questioning whether my move was the right now and struggling with where I’m going and what I’m doing here and life in general. Well I finally believe I will be alright here. I have had really good past couple days and maybe I’m just riding the high of that but even so. I’m in a really good mood today but super tired and not really sure why but I am sucking down coffee like its going out of style.

Last night JD texted me asking what I was up to this weekend and while we might not hang out, it’s a big improvement from him texting at 630 pm on a Saturday asking me to hang out so whatever I’m leaving it all up to fate cause it has a funny way of bringing us together despite all the random bullshit that seems to go on. Also D, a guy I met online and have been texting for the better part of a month, asked me to go for drinks on Friday and I feel really bad if I blow him off to hang with JD but such is life and its not like I know this guy really great its just texting which is weird cause you thing we would have talked on the phone or whatever but nothing I don’t know and then Saturday night I have DP’s bday party which I’m really excited about so all in all its shaping up to be a pretty busy weekend and little life I got going on down here. I’m starting to feel….i don’t want to say settled but getting there.

maybe a wrong turn can take u where u are ment to be...

i've been doing alot better since i last wrote... oh who am i kidding that is a total lie hahaha i write here to be honset with what im feelinga and thinking and if im lying here then im lying to myself and i really need to stop that and start being honest with with how i feel and what i want....there are good days and bad days im starting to realize that the move may have been the best thing in the greater sense of the word, im starting to starting to feel the reality of what a big step it was

ive had a few breakdowns since i last wrote and maybe i am just questioning my reasons for moving down here...i cant always be running away can i ?

i'm ready to start my new job tomorrow and maybe thats part of the reason ive been feeling so lost is that i have really no reason to get up and get going in the morning but i hope that will change. i'm really nervous, i mean im nervous at the start of any new job but it makes me more nervous to think this is it, im starting to put down roots and while i believe this is a good thing...i dunno i think i just have some hesition because starting a job makes it real all over again but then again maybe this is a sign of things to come like im starting to get my shit together and starting to put my life back on track.

on the relationship side of things, i did hang out with JD last week and maybe again tonight but after the last little bit i dont know if thats what i really want either...i think i need to take a step back from it all and really let myself feel the end of things with C and up until now i dont think ive really let myself do that

it hasnt been a fun place to be emotionally and mentally these past few months but maybe now that i realize what i need to do the fog that ive been living in will start to lift and something amazing will come along b/c if it did right now i dont think i would know because im not in the right state of mind to accept whatever it would be....in saying this do i believe the worst is over? yes, do i believe that there wont be anymore days that i wont miss him with all that i am ? no, do i think that im getting stronger because of it all ? yes

ive said it before and i will say it again i just have to keep taking it day by day and breath by breath, step by step and it will work itself out in the end.

"good things fall apart so better things can fall together"