27 times more certian

The last time I wrote I wrote about being happy….well I’m not anymore…ive thought long and hard about it and I just don’t see a future with him.

Its not that I want to be with anyone else, I just don’t want to be with anyone at all. Looking back #1 we moved really fast and #2 I was so good on my own , I think with the changes that are happening in my life I just want to enjoy them and soak them all in not have them tainted by the memory of someone who used to make me happy.

I did that with THE EX and I want to enjoy my time with my family and friends and maybe someday I will be ready but I don’t think that day is now…..

how

how can it be so messed up?
what did i do to fuck my karma up so bad that i dont get to be happy?

ive been trying to figure it out for so long and everytime i feel i get close i hit a massive brick wall

why? why me? what did i do wrong?

i dont know how much longer i can be strong before it all breaks down.....

like attracts like

so as you can tell by my last post ive been feeling pretty low lately, work and love and the stress of both are starting to get me down but today my friend told me about the secret. ive been doing some reading and listening and ive decided to give it a shot i mean really what do i have to loose at this point.
their big thing is that you get back what you put out. so im going to put out a letter of forgiveness to my former boyfriend. im not going to send it or let him see it. i will post it here so that ya'll can read it and follow me on my journey to a better happier life

dear,
for a long time i was very angrey with you for ending things the way you did. i was so sure of our future together that for a long time i truley belived it would still happen. i know now that it wont. you have moved on and im honestly jelous. i have been very scared for a long time that i would get hurt again like you hurt me. i built walls so high that now i have a hard time getting out let alone let anyone in.

i forgive you, i forgive the fact that you tore my world apart. i forgive hating you for wanting to be happy. i was selfish to my needs in front of yours at the time. you were amazing and im sorry i didnt apprecitate you when i had you but i fully in my heart of hearts belive that if it wasn't right between us then it wouldn't be right between us now.

i release you from my guilt i put on you. i have been broken but now its time to take a risk and take a leap again. i may sore or i may shatter but at least i took the jump. you are no longer in control of my happiness. you are no longer in control of the pursuit of the love i know i deserve. im taking back that control. no longer will my fear of that hurt control how i live my life.

happy ending......?

dose everyone get a happy ending?

ive been struggling with this question alot lately and im really starting to loose faith in mine. tonight i went for dinner and drinks with some good friends and they are happy and in healthy realtionships and where they want to be in life and they were talking about getting older and getting married and things of that nature and they are all 24. i made a comment about oh god i feel old and one said to me thats ok T you dont want those things.

its not ok because i do.
i do want that one person who can make me smile when i feel like the whole world has turned its back on me.
i want a home not just a house.

no one wants to be alone.

im really starting to loose faith in my happy ending.
maybe i am one of those people who dosent get one. maybe at the end of my days i just get an ending.

what have i done thats so bad? what karmic fallout did i do that i dont get that smile? that warm fuzzy feeling? that love?

maybe im still hurting from me and C breaking up.....maybe i still have those scars that will never heal but dose that mean i get punished for life?

The 27th year

Day 1

today is my birthday.
ive been having a hard time with it for some reason....27....i dunno something about that number just makes me wanna buy houses and have a wedding but maybe thats cause what all my friends are doing.
im not gonna lie ive had a breakdown or two about this....this number...this beyond 25 number...
but that all changed today when a very good friend of mine emailed me a birthday greeting....nothing fancy, no famous quotes just pure and honest truth.

For your 27th year i think you should

Take 27 days of holidays

Buy yourself 27 new shoes/clothing

Try 27 new foods

Drink 27 new drinks doesnt have to have liqour in it.

Do 27 jumping jacks a day.

Count 27 things a day. ex cars, birds people, such and such.

Laugh 27 times harder at yourself.

Save 27$ a month.

Paint your toes 27 different colors this year.

Fall in love 27 times with anything and everything. Yourself, boys cars, shoes.

and... Have 27 times more fun then you did last year.

this will be come my mantra for the year....maybe i won't do everything in the list but i will damm well try....im going to try and blog it all as best i can....so here is to 27 !!!! (its just a number after all)

We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are. Sane or insane. Saints or sex addicts. Heroes or victims. Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future. Or we can decide for ourselves. And maybe it’s our job to invent something better.