welp here we go again lol i have written over the years on and off and its honestly easier to type than write in an actual journal 

last time i wrote i felt broken and honestly i cant remember why either my job (more on that later) or the end of my friendship with Kelsey

things have gone downhill in the last year with my job . i came back to Dynamic in Aug 2023 and its now Jan 2025 and i have feelers out there for further opportunities. i feel guilty leaving again but i need to do what's best for me and my life and my mental health and im just not passionate at this job . i moved into project assistant with amanda in october of 2023 and i just dont think she trusts me or rick trusts me and ive lost my spark. ive lost my will to want more and want better. its going to be awful when i have to tell her im leaving but she hasnt been the same person since she bought stakes in the company.

cory is very supportive and just wants me to be happy

i guess im writing this so i can look back in a few months and see that it was all for the better.

 i feel so broken

everything feels broken

i dont even know how to describe it .....

i feel like im trying to keep all the puzzle pieces together but they arent the same picture....

 man oh man i was in a sketchy place last time i wrote.

its been 48 days since we got married and it went beautifully . the day was perfect.  it all came together in the end .

i left my job at the glass company and now am back there after 6 weeks away. in hindsight i should have just had a conversation with my boss about how i was feeling and where i was mentally but i didn't and you live and learn.

not really much else to report ....we are going to be moving in November (not my fave time) so that's exciting. other than that we are just digging our way out of wedding bills and what not 

i feel better and calmer than i have in a very long time and i know some of that comes from not planning a huge life changing event but there is a peace over my life

till next time .... 

 im not sure how to label this post. im not even sure anyone reads this anymore. i think its more of an online journal to see where im at and look at back at how far ive come.

74 days till we get married. 75 days and it will all be over and life can go on.

if i knew before i started planning / saving what i know now i would have skipped it all and went away to get married.

i hate every part of it . its so stressful and frustrating. i dont think me and cory have fought so much in our entire relationship. i love him and want this marriage but the wedding is a whole other story....

i dont think i will write to much today as im not feeling great and its hard to look at the screen for too long. 

fingers crossed its not another stroke.....

update

well its been almost a year to the date that i have written. covid is pretty much over but not before both me and cory got it in april of 2022 and then i had a stroke shortly there after. it was pretty scary and i am still nervous about pains or forgetting things. 

we are still on track to be married in july of this year and let me tell you planning a wedding is one of the hardest, loneliest things i have ever done. am i excited? of course. do i wish i would have scaled back and not let tictok or social media influence me? of course. 168 days today we will say i do. 

 the dogs, dixie and memphis, are doing so well. dixie was a challenge the first year, we lost pillows and a couch and she ate a chair and a bottle of gorilla glue but now she is the sweetest thing. memphis has his days but when push comes to shove he will cuddle with her on the couch :) 

 my job is still going well, i was promoted to sales and retail manager and i run a crew of 4 techs and one office staff. there are good days and bad days and days that seem like they will never end but i do love it 

 im going to say i will write more but i think i forget that i have this blog where my thoughts go out into the internet world. i will boomark it and treat it like writing to an old friend or future me. 

 all the best.

2 years later...

 well its been almost 2 years since i wrote my last post.

its crazy to think the world turned upside down. all our comforts were taken away and we have to live with a "new normal" ( i still hate that phrase) 

in the almost 2 years since the pandemic started a little and a lot has changed.

a little in regards to the mis-information is still out there, people are still panicking and thinking the government and the health authorities aren't doing enough. we still wear masks, we still social distance but now we are vaccinated and boosted. 

in sask the rush are playing, the riders played but you have be fully vaccinated to attend - which i agree with. people are starting to say things will just peter out and it will go along the lines of the common cold come spring - who knows what fall will bring but lets cross that bridge / put the masks back on when the time comes.

a lot has changed in regards to me and cory getting engaged!  we are planning for July of 2023 *fingers crossed* 

ashton and tyler got married and so did kelsey and logan. kelsey is due to have a baby boy early march too!  i changed jobs , i took one with the same amount of money and waaaaaaaaaaay less stress - at least at this point.

all and all we just keep chugging along ... till next time :)  

I don't know....

I have tried to start this blog post maybe  half a dozen times. I don’t know what to write , I don’t know how to feel.

I guess I should feel lucky to still be working in times like these . I should feel thankful that my friends and family are doing their best to be safe and that no one is affect as of today (fingers crossed it stays that way). In counting my blessings I can help but feel sad and overwhelmed. I am sad for my friends who are in other countries. I am sad for my friends who are out of work. I am overwhelmed because I don’t know when this is going to end. I am overwhelmed at the amount of information out there.

I don’t know how much I am going to write (I’ve never been great at keeping up with things like this) but we are in such a weird time in our world right now that its nice to have some place to get out the feelings and say what needs to be said even if no one reads it.

4 more feet

we are getting a new dog.

i know i should be excited but i'm having such anxiety.

i'm nervous about how its going to affect Memphis ; i'm nervous about how its going to affect the relationship between me and cory.

i know once she comes and we get into a groove its going to be ok.

i just have a hard time with change and we have cultivated this life over the last 5 years and its all gonna change.

i just hope we arent making a huge mistake....

adventure with a capital A

This weekend we took our new (to us) tent trailer out on its maiden voyage. After a couple days of back and forth we decided to chase the sun and head west to Banff.

We left the city at about 530 am on Friday morning and had to stop and turn around about 2.5 hrs into the trip because we lost the plate off the trailer. Once back on the road we stopped in Hanna only to discover the plate was missing again, we threw caution to the wind and clear tapped the registration to the bumper and continued on our way.

Upon arriving at the main gate in Banff we discovered that our first choice campground was closed for the season #sadface – our second choice was closed so we took our chances and drove up the road to our third choice and being first come – first serve it was a real big chance. Upon arrival we discovered it was full but two Parks Canada people suggested overflow at a campground closer to Banff so we turned around and drove another 30 min back to find out overflow was not yet open; they however suggested to try another campground further down the road so we off we went again. On our 15 min drive we started calling hotels and hostels trying to just find a place other than the side of the road to lay our heads for the night.

We arrived at the campground and explained what we had been through up to that ponint and low and behold they had a site for us. I can never express my gratitude to the two Parks Canada employee’s working at Two Jack Main Campground that day but they saved us that day.

The rest of our weekend went pretty well – couple shots of tequilla, a 2 hr hike and a couple rain drops – we made the most of our time in the mountains and stayed chill with each other throughout it all.

I can’t wait to see what happens the next time we venture out into the great outdoors  🌲

Backwards or Forwards

So I had a pretty good job at a trucking company– high stress  but good. I liked my co-workers and the pay was great. I left after 7 months after a highly stressful couple of weeks. I went into a job that the trucking company deals with; however I told the trucking company I went back to school. In hind site I should have went HR & management and explained how I was feeling

After a couple weeks at the new job, I started to really question whether the job was really for me or not ; now after almost 2 months I kind of realize it isn’t. I have heard through former co-workers the trucking company that my old boss still asks about me and if I would be willing to come back. I have since sent an email to the boss that was asking as well as the HR manager stating that things didn’t work out and that if there was a position open up then I would be excited to come back. The HR manager emailed me back right away saying there were options for me.

This morning my current boss called me out for being quite the last couple weeks and asking if I was happy in my position. I was honest and said I’ve been struggling with whether or not I am the right person for the job as it deals with a lot of accounting and numbers and costing.

The company I currently work for is small only about 45 people ; however trucking company has over 200 and seems to be more room for growth and at 33 years old , I'm not sure I want to be stuck in a deadened reception job.

I’m just so confused on what to do….please help.

Home....

Foxford – a small hamlet 45 min out of Prince Albert going towards Nipawin on Hwy 55.

That’s the definition that is given. It is a blink and you miss it kind of place; however for over thirty years for me it was so much more; so much more than four houses and a post office, it was home. It was the place I went when I needed to remember who I was, where I came from and just - for a little while - be a kid no matter how old I was.

I have so many memories and so many firsts at the farm on the south side of Hwy 55. It’s hard to put into words the amount a place, a piece of land, a smell, a feeling means to you after all those years.  I learned to walk, I learned to ride a horse, I learned to drive and I learned to let go because now that’s what we need to do, what the four people who loved it and will miss it the most need to do…let go. 

It’s a unique feeling of pride and home and loss that only three other people on this planet will experience.

I consider myself so lucky to have been able to call the same four walls and same piece of land home for my entire childhood, teenage years and into adulthood. I have true roots and those roots run deep. Nothing can take away the memories and even though it hurts and feels so much like the death of something, I will always remember planting the trees that we later played in as kids, I will always remember dad coming home after hunting with a deer or moose or elk and being so excited, I will remember planting flowers with mom and working in the craft shop, I will always remember playing Lego and hiding a cat with Kolby.

Off-Track

I know I said I was only going to use this blog for beautiful things and makeup and nothing personal well there is nothing beautiful about my life lately . I know that's depressive but its a crappy day and I am in bad fucking mood. 

My job has gone to shit - not literally but well its really hard to get through the day when your boss has taken every aspect of your job and gave it to two different people. I mean it is 2:53 pm on a Tuesday after a long weekend and before all this shit went down I would have been super busy but NOPE not anymore and why ? who the fuck knows.

I have feeling that someone people want to get rid of me but since I've been here so long they can't so they just keep taking things away untill I get fed up and frustrated and quit then they don't have to do it.

I have put out multiple resumes today and have an interview tomorrow am so fingers crossed something positive comes out of it all. I can't leave for less money but I just don't know how much longer I can live like this, doing nothing for 8 hours a day and not speaking to anyone I work with is really starting to take its toll on me.

I just feel so angry and hurt and disappointed in the whole situation. I mean have I wasted the last years here ; I have tried to fight so hard to be taken seriously and respected and its now all for nothing because no matter what I do or what I don't do , the industry I am in will always be considered and old boys club .....

Pride

I admit this is kind of a weird picture of me but its the only one that I took this past wekend at pride that dosent have anyone else or a random filter on it. as you can see i am wearing bright purple lip color and its in the color "sway" by nyx. i am beyond impressed with the staying power! it lasted through day drinks, 3 gringos , 4 shots of tequilla and enough rum to kill a pirate. nothing came off on the cups and wow like i just really cant say anything bad about it. i am going to look into less crazy colors in the same formula to wear on more of a day to day situtation.

till next time....stay beautiful - inside & out 👄

Off-Track

yesterday I took a loss at work - nothing like loosing my job or anything crazy like that - I put forth a sales proposal and had everything ready to go to do the job and they backed out the afternoon before we were supposed to go.
I know this happens alot in my line of work but it was the first time in 5 years that I didn't get what I was after and while it knocked me down a couple pegs , I just keep thinking of this great quote I heard a couple years ago....

Good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Pieces of my heart..... Pieces of my soul......

I've been thinking alot about Haldan these past few weeks, why i'm not really sure.
just last night i had a dream i went to a memorial for him and told his brother i'm sorry, i should have been there more, i should have tried harder, i should have......

 in the dream i didnt tell cory and i'm not sure why. i woke up this morning still feeling sorry for not telling cory and for not being there for haldan.
maybe that is just how one feels after someone is taken by suicide.....maybe i will always feel this guilt and sorry and like its all still so unfinished.

as i get older and things with me and cory get more and more serious i think i think about haldan alot more. how we never got that chance , now dont get me wrong i love cory i really do but with haldan it was a different love on a different level, maybe that is cause it happend so fast and so young.

it makes me sad that i cant share the memories of him with anyone cause everyone that knew me with him is no longer around - we have all moved on to our little corners of the world and life just keeps spinning
memories like the moment we met, the first time we knew it was something more than just friends, the time he drove 3 hours to see me for like 12 hours, the night we were moving vehicles at the farm and the lights went out in the truck, the time that we rode around in the swather for like 10 hours

i creeped his lady friend at the time of his passing and even she has moved on. she is with some guy and had a baby. i dont know why i did this. maybe i haven't delt with the fact that he chose to leave.

i miss so much about him - his laugh, his smell, the way he looked at me, the stupid little grin he had

i haven't been to see where they burried him - im not really sure why, maybe it would make all definate and final like i wouldn't always be half expecting the phone to ring in the middle of the night and him say hey.....

the phone hasn't rung in 3 years and it never will........

There are days

So I have totally failed on keeping up with this blog but with a puppy its kind of hard to find the time to sit down and write – work has been slow these last couple weeks so I guess I could have done it there but whatever.

In the time that we have gotten Memphis I must say I have gone through every emotion one can from joy or sorrow to anger and everything in between. There were days I second guessed myself in getting him, there were days I thought I will never sleep again, days where it would break my heart to leave each morning cause I could hear his high pitched cries as I walked down the hall and through the patio door once I got down to the car.

Those days are becoming few and far between…right now I belive that he knows when I leave in the am it is what it is and mom and dad will be back (dosent stop him from jumping around all excited when I do walk through the door at night), belive that he understands when we go in the bedroom that its bed time and mom is not fucking around.

We are only 3 short weeks away from his last shot and *finger crossed we wont have snow by then* we can then start taking him on long walks so he can explore the world around him and burn off some energy.

I will try to keep posting as much as I can but for now here is some pictures of my sweet sweet boy….

One week...

Well it’s been a week today since Memphis came home and I don’t remember what sleep is anymore. I love him , I really do and I knew that it would be a lot of work but no one prepares you for this.

I mean I did a lot of reading before I even knew Memphis was coming into our lives, no article tells you that you are only going to sleep 6 hours a night and that you should nap when puppy dose. I feel like having a new puppy is a lot like having a child. You have to teach him and play with him and clean up his shit when he goes on the floor while you are away and proceeds to walk in it (totally happened last night!)

I feel guilty when we go out to work or even if we come home and then have to leave again. Cory told me to stop worrying so much and I told him that I have wanted a dog for so long that I’m so scared something is going to happen now that we have him.

I struggle every day with the choices I make for him because what I do today and how I react to him and how I teach him what to do or what not to do will determine what kind of dog he is going to be for the next 10-15 years. It’s a huge weight.

He is so smart though and he’s been learning so quick.  He knows when it’s bedtime and for the last two nights he has slept through the night. He knows when we are leaving for work in the morning – we have to bribe him with his breakfast now….he is starting to explore beyond the confines of the kitchen and living room – he went into the bathroom the other morning while Cory was on the toilet

 There have been an accident or two and a bite/nibble on the toes/fingers but I can see how much he is learning and getting better every day and I thank the heavens for each day I get to spend with him.

Introduction

As some of you know may know or not know it has been a rough road to this point….

 A couple years ago I had a beautiful little boy named Bo and right when he was set to come home he caught parvovirus and went to play in that big dog park in the sky. I have looked at other dogs and puppies since then and no one seemed quite right. It wasn’t until a late Saturday in July that I came across and ad on kijjji for a puppy. Upon looking at the pictures and reading the information, I knew he was the right one , I knew he was meant to be mine. So after some quick phone calls , texts and emails and quick thinking on mine and Cory’s part to determine if we were really ready for such a big life change; we had made arrangements for my mom to go meet the puppy and the breeder to get a feel since we were not able to just pick and leave to PA that day. A couple hours, some more text and phones calls later , he was ours…well he was on hold for us.  Thus began the long wait for him to come home. That day finally came home on Aug 14-14.

The moment she handed him to me I fell in love and I mean the love where you know something is so right and that piece that had been missing is finally in place. Don’t get me wrong I have been so happy since sept 2013 when I met Cory but this was different, this is something that I have had missing in my heart and in my soul for along as I can remember. I don’t want kids and Cory is happy to not have another so this is my child.

I feel pretty to have gotten to bond with him so quickly and as you will be able to tell by the pictures I will post and the things I will write he is a total mama’s boy.

I did it. 
I’m leaving my job after only 4 months. It’s been a great experience and a great learning process.

I've learned that I need more action. I’m going to another office but it’s a business with customers and plans and a clear cut plan of what each day needs to bring.

I’m also starting to help Alana with a new adventure. I’m not sure what it is or what it will be yet but I think it will be lots of fun and lots of work. I think it will bring me closer to my dream of opening up my own thrift/consignment shop

It’s something I've been thinking and dreaming of for a couple months and maybe right now all I need to do is start collecting over the summer and have small sales in the fall/winter, maybe I could sell out of there every other weekend, get it to be a regular thing. I have a garage that I have full use of so that could store a lot of stuff. Maybe work it I like the pop up shops I have started seeing around. I need a name though and more of a plan….right now it’s just in the dream stage but it makes getting through the day better because I can scheme on names and look online for sales and Kijiji for funky things. 

at a crossroads....

i feel like im at a crossroads - on one hand i want to leave my job but on the other i feel terrible leaving after only 4 months....at what point do you walk away because you have the gut feeling that it just isn't right?

i know that im ment for something different....i think i was so excited to leave McD that i didnt really think about all this would entail and now im feeling more and more that im just not cut out for it.

im going to talk to a career counselor and see if they can give me some direction but falling short of that im going to stay applying at other places because the golden rule is dont walk away till you have something to walk to and really its not fair to me or them if my hearts just not in it cause im just wasting everyone's time.