not supposed to go like this

well he has a new car and a new gf....after 2 weeks of being single they started "hanging out" he met her through a girl that he works with and she works where he works so all the bs about no one else or the possiblity of anyone else was just that bs..i mean at least after 3 yrs together have some fucking respect to tell me goddam truth yes it would have hurt more in the begining but at least it would have been fucking honest its nice to know that after 3 yrs he can just turn off all those feelings....what it ever real ? did he ever really love me ? or was it all a lie and ive just been fooling myself ?....and you know what i'm not moving out of the city ive lost so much in the last month that he dosent get to take that from me as well

i always thought i would be one to move on quicker at least now i know what kind of person he really is and yes it is for the best that it ended..... did i really wanna deal with that bullshit for the rest of my life.... let him control her like he did me and maybe once that goes to shit he will realize that the girls dont need to change he doese....he has no fucking clue how to be in a realtionship or in a break-up for that matter...i mean he keeps trying to be friends...how can i be friends with a snake like that? how can he sit there an lie and still want something for me? its just a big fucking waste of time...

my friends and family have been telling since it ended that we were never right for each other...why not tell me 2 yrs ago yes it would have hurt and maybe i wouldn't have listened but at least the seed would have been planted....

after all this bullshit i have no respect left for him....there is nothing left

Scrapping Night

well tomorrow i am hosting my first ever scrapping night. when me and my ex-bf broke up i lost my scrapping partner which was his mom, she really got me into it and i love it but i need someone else to share it with. so i put an ad out on Kijji looking for 4-5 local ladies to scrap with every second week and i got more than enough interest but because i live in a condo i could only say yes to the first 4 that answered and they all sound really excited about it so i'm really excited to host but also very nervous. what if they dont like me ? what if .... i dunno i think its cuz i've never done anything like this before and i'm really ready to start scrapping again after a month of letting my heart heal.

which brings me to my next point (not scrapping related) i met a guy last weekend at the bar and we hit it off really well and he gave me his number and we have hung out once since we met but i texted him the other day to see if he wanted to do something this week and i kinda get the feeling like he blew me off, i mean he works all the time, he comes home at like 1030 at night and i think that he thinks i want more from the relationship than i really do but after he said he wasnt sure if he wanted to see me this week i dunno what to do, i would like to clairify to him that all i am looking for is a good time (dont get the wrong idea now) and nothing more....i mean i just got out of a 3 year realtionship and i am leaving the city in 6 weeks for the summer and who knows what could happen over the summer....i'm just confuzed. my BFF told me to text him tonight but i'm being stubborn maybe i will tomarrow and get together before i leave for the weekend and if not then i will chalk it up to "he's just not that into me"

Gong Shot Night

Wow a lot has happened since I wrote last well it really all happened in one night but it was sooo much that it seems as though it should have been spread over a couple days…me and B went to Sugarland Friday night, it was a great show and yes I did text/see from afar C but that’s all there was to that or so I thought…after the concert we hoped into a limo with some random guys from Lloyd and off to the branch we went…we got there and that’s when the true gong show started…I should have quite drinking as soon as we got there cause I started at 430 without having any supper but me being me keep on keeping on….we danced, I drunk texted C from the bar asking if I could come over after the bar, we ran into M, C’s really good friend and he mentioned that C told him we broke up so that’s when the end started…feeling all defeated I headed to the bar to get more shots and somewhere along the way I lost B so I did shots alone and then managed to find B again and she is waiting with more shots with some guy so down these shots went and then being totally unaware of the huge line to the girls bathroom and for the record I didn’t get sick I just needed a moment…well I come out and B asks me if I got sick and then all a sudden there these three bouncers surrounding me...they told me that two girls told them I got sick (by the way what are we in elementary school I mean who tells on someone like that) anyway being a former bartender I’m not gonna fight them on them kicking me out so I took off for the coat check by the time I got there (its like 4 feet from where I was standing) I had tears streaming down my face (not cause I got kicked out but just cause I was that drunk and saw curt at the concert) so this bouncer who is standing with me at the coat check is all like lets go outside and “talk” (I think he felt bad cause I was crying and he thought he was the one causing it) me and him go outside and talk (I tried to explain that it was a whole other issue as to why I was crying) and whatever I dunno what happened but I end up flirting with him, making out with me and then giving him my number
Yesterday I was on facebook and I decided to put another nail in the coffin and creep and I found him so I messaged him to ask him if he wanted to get a beer sometime (this was around like 2pm) I check my facebook a few hours later to see if he messaged me back which he didnt but he requested me to a friend on facebook and I accepted which I think is rude cause he clearly read the message in order to even add me
Whatever you gotta through yourself out there in order to ever get anything and so much for my motto of needing to feel strong in order to be strong…I mean I cant do anything but laugh cause its just so silly that I would now have a crush on the guy who kicked me out…only me….

one month

i've been having a hard couple of days...its been a month today that my life did a complete 180...it still hurts and i still miss him but then there are days that i'm ok. i thought i was strong but now i'm not so sure...i've been trying to get out there and meet people but i dunno i still feel so broken at times. maybe its just cause of today that i'm feeling like this or the fear of seeing him tomarrow at sugarland (we bought tickets the saturday before we broke up, me and B got different ones so its not like we are sitting together) or the fact that i wish he was hurting as much as me and that i cant see that he is...i'm still really angry and hurt as to why he felt like he couldnt keep me in his life and i dunno its sooo hard just to be in the city without him...i mean i lived in the city for 3 months before we met then we were together for 3 years living together both and in out of the city...i try to not do things and go places that i will be reminded of him but its still hard...i think i need to start doing more to not think so much...like joining a gym or club or something just to stay super busy instead of going home after work and just vegging on the couch with chips and bad tv...we will see how the show goes tomarrow and i will write again after the weekend....

how do I get my mojo back?

I recently went through a break-up with my BF of over three years (2 weeks ago yesterday) and I and I want to start healing and moving on and I love scrapbooking but I think I have lost the will to do it. I started because his mom was so into it then I got into it then it just took over, I used to get so excited to finish a page so we could share ideas or pick up some cool new paper or embellishment just to have something new to show her when she came to town and now I have no one to share these things with.I have now put all the albums I have made in the last 2 years (3 including the Christmas one) up on a shelf where I can’t get at them unless I make the choice to go over and look at them, it was just too hard to have them sitting around….how do I get my mojo back? I think it would benefit me to start again but I just don’t know how…I have plenty of pics to put in LO that don’t involve me and him but I just feel like the will is gone…