It would be funny if it wasn’t my life….

There has been a lot going on in the last week that this blog might be all over the place….

A few weeks ago I went out to the bar with a few friends and one of their friends brought along this really good-looking, nice guy so I was talking to her asking her where they met and you know the nice things to say when you meet a friends new man for the first time well she said they met on cupid.com, so I got to thinking and decided I would sign up, I mean what’s the worst that could happen….I know I know but even still I decided to give it a shot...pretty soon this guy messaged me and we began exchanging messages and now we are meeting for coffee tomorrow afternoon in a very public place during daylight hours and if it goes bad then it’s only a cup of coffee and if not then it could extend into more than just coffee but I am going in eyes and ears open.

On Tuesday me and JL decided we were gonna go to the movies…well last night I got a call from her telling me and KS had texted her asking her if she wanted to go with him and CS and his new gf, she’s like uh no cuz I am going with TW and he’s all like oh which one , she’s like not sure yet but I will let you know and he’s like ya cuz it might be awkward….all I can do is laugh at the whole situation cause she doesn’t even like him like that and he has got it bad for her but what makes me shake my head is that she never hung out with him until me and her became friends and it just blows my mind how these boys think I mean would they not know me and her hang out even after all the disaster that is this break-up….and how awkward would that be for her I mean if he wanted to ask her out why would he suggest coming with his brother and his new gf why just take her out just the two of them...ARRRRRG !!!! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE ABOUT ALL THIS BULLSHIT!!!!
So in the end we decided to have our movie night in…I have no respect for him after all the lies and cheating but I don’t need to see him and his new gf out and about on the town ARRRRRG !!!

Now speaking of movies, me and AG are going to see UP tomorrow night because he made fun of me for wanting to go see it so I told him that we should go together and he will love it.

That is my life and let me tell you if I was watching this all happen to someone else it would be funny….I just have to laugh to keep for falling apart…I need to get out of the city and get away from all this bullshit that keeps happening to me and just have fun and I dunno I know I said I wanted to say in the city cause I don’t feel like it’s fair that he take that from me but I honestly don’t know if I can…..

My own backyard

Lately I have been taking walks around my neighborhood mainly cause its really nice out and I don’t wanna be stuck inside all evening but also because I was going to join the gym but why pay to walk on the treadmill when I can walk around outside in the beautiful weather.

My condo is on the edge of a golf course, now before you go getting all jealous it’s not as fancy as it sounds. I live on a crescent and there are like 12 buildings with apartments and condos in them and the end of the all the parking lots to the east is golf course. Then a few blocks down from my crescent is a civic center with a pool and a library and all that.
I put on my ipod and get dressed up with my runners and sunglasses and off I go. I have started going around 8 pm because it’s still sunny out and usually there are people out and about walking/running/biking/doing various other outdoor activities.

Yesterday I took my camera with me, thinking I could capture some really great images and I did but I was also a bit of a dork lol I took a few self portraits mainly for f-book but also to my in my scrapping album cause with no bf and all my friends out of town for the summer or planning weddings I need something a little more to concentrate on in that area but that’s an issue for another blog.
I will try and post pics from yesterday as soon as I can but with no computer in the house right now it might be kind of hard. B moved out for the summer/fall and took her comp with her so no more creeping on f-book and it will even get hard next week cause I wont be at the same job everyday like I have been for the last 3 weeks.

Speaking of work, I’m really sad to leave here. I feel like I have made some real connections here and am really sad to have to walk away from it. I think that’s the worst thing about being a sub, you go into these schools for a couple days or weeks and make these connections and then its all gone one day. I have gotten used to the joking around with the period prep teachers on the morning coffee break. They just make me laugh and smile even on the bad days.

I guess that’s life, if I’m meant to be somewhere then that’s where I will end up. I believe this is true for anything and everything that is happening in my life right now.

Monday Confessions

So you know how I had this huge crush on RK well that’s all over with. MB, AH and I all went out a cabaret on Saturday and he was there but was hitting on this other girl all night and kind of didn’t really want anything to do with me so whatever I drank and danced the night away even ran into a few people I hadn’t seen in a really long time like MO but more on that later.
Towards the end of the night AG comes up to me and says that he knows what happened between me and RK and starts to tell me that the next day when everyone asked him what happened he said nothing, now I didn’t really want him to go bragging about it but why lie and say nothing happened so whatever … so I tell AG that I felt really bad about how it all went down when he was putting in all the work and being all nice and hitting on me then RK just swoops and and takes over like, he said that its just the way he is; however he then tells me that RK told him that it was payback for AG doing the same thing to him like 2 months ago or something !!! I was so fucking pissed!! I mean why be like that? I’m soooo mad that I got played like that. Its just bullshit!!! Whatever so that put a real quick end to my crush on RK, I don’t need that kind of drama and games in my life right now so what did I end up doing…taking AG home for the night and one little bonus to that is that I get to go go-carting on Sunday cause I have never been and he offered to take me J

This brings me to another point; I woke up Sunday morning feeling pretty low and bad about how things have gotten out of control with my behavior. I have been with 6 guys since my breakup and I don’t know why. I think I drink so that I don’t have to deal with the fact that CS has a new gf and then drinking leads to the bad choices I have been making…I don’t know its just hard to be alone and I really do think that I am trying to fill that void that I still have in my life…I need to stop and think and stop trying…I just feel so lost with it all. I thought I was doing alright but B said that I need to have huge reality check cause this can’t continue because I will never find what I want or need.

Now all about MO….We went on a couple dates back when I was going to university and that was it until one day I was creeping on facebook and found him and added him as a friend…we exchanged numbers and are going to go for drinks to catch up and remember old times, he has a gf but I’m glad that I can him back in my life cause I thought were really good together and can be great friends.

Looking back...

Saturday will be 2 months since my 3yr realtionship ended.... I have run through ever emotion known to man in these past two months and while I may not have really figured out what I want out of a partner, I am very well aware of what I do not want.
I have also learned a few things in this search of trying to find the person I once was.
* I have learned that I’m still a rockstar(thanks P!nk)
* I have learned that my true friends will be there for me through anything, day or night, no matter what the cost.
* I have learned that J’s laugh can help me heal more than all the rye and cokes in the world, he will never know how much he has helped his broken hearted aunt.
* I have learned that everything happens for a reason and even though I refused to believe it in the beginning I am now starting to see.
* I have learned that I need to stop trying to fill the void and to let things just happen and not to worry; it all comes out in the wash.

Pop culture opinion

I haven’t really watched American Idol since Kelly Clarkson won; however I do catch an episode here and there of various seasons, so I don’t really care who wins or looses but this year I got more into it towards the end because my roommate was into it, I think there were like 7 left when I started watching, so I started to root for Adam solely based on his performance value. Now this may come as a shocker but I didn’t watch the finale last night although I did hear on the radio this morning that the other guy won (his name slips my mind right now).
I must say I am a little disappointed only because I truly thought Adam was the better performer; however maybe its better that he didn’t win because now he can do whatever he wants to do in terms of music and career direction instead of what the powers that be want him to do. I really think he has star power and staying power but will he be as successful as Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood? Probably not and in all honesty I don’t think the guy who won will be either. In this day and age you have really got to have something in order to make it really big out of the gates of American Idol.

In other news, I’m sooooo happy it’s a four day work week. I have big plans for the weekend; I am going to a cabaret with 2 of my very good friends and my new crush, RK. Although like I predicted it would be my crush is slowly fading and I’m not really sure why, its not like I don’t like him anymore cause I totally do…maybe its because even though the word on the street is that he is coming on Saturday night to the cabaret I don’t really know for sure and if he doesn’t then I don’t know when I will see him again so it makes it hard to keep the dream alive.

On that note I’m going to end with my new song to live by…So What by P!nk

I'm still a rock star

I got my rock moves

And I don't need you

And guess what

I'm havin more fun

And now that were done

I'm gonna show you tonight

I'm alright

I'm just fine

And you're a tool so

So what

I am a rock star

I got my rock moves

And I don't want you tonight

New Hope

I must say it was quite a May long weekend. I got up to the lake Friday night around 6ish and just kind of hung out around the cabin with mom but then we started to get restless so we went driving around. We tried to go to the golf course for a beer but apparently they close at 8 so we went over to ships (where I worked before it burned down, they converted a cabin to the bar but its not the same) as we were sitting in there a bunch of boys I grew up with came in and so I ditched mom (mean but come on I am 24 yrs old and single on May long weekend) so there is this boy that I have known since I was like 16 ,Rick,  and he told me last summer, when I had a boyfriend, that he has had a crush on me for like a long time and I told him me too so this year we finally got it together after like 6 yrs of feeling like this and we hooked up then I spent the whole next day riding around in the truck with him, it was awesome
So that was Friday night, Saturday night was a whole other story. Turns out once we hooked up that was the end of it all so whatever dust in the wind, we are still good friends but I dunno if we will hook up again and if we do great if not then I still consider him a great friend so back to Saturday night. I forgot to mention that my other friend Rob who I have also known since I was knee high to a duck lol he started coming to the farm around the same time Halden did and whatever we just kind of always stayed in touch. I’m totally getting off topic but anyway…so he was there with all his buddies cuz apparently they go quading up to the lake every May long weekend well they were all in the bar Saturday when I rolled up and somehow they all started to filter out until it was me and Andy and Ryan so Andy and Ryan were both hitting on me hard core and I feel kind of bad about how it all went down but its not totally my fault…
In the course of then both hitting on me, Andy was working a little harder on it so whatever, I will settle (Ryan is sooooo much cutter but we will get to that soon) so pretty soon I was sitting on his lap and holding hands and you know regular flirty stuff by this time all of Rob buddies had come back although he didn’t but he has a gf so maybe that’s why … well I go outside to talk to Rick and a couple other guys from my childhood and I’m sitting on a picnic table outside when Ryan comes up and starts talking to me and he is getting close I mean he is about an inch from my face and well one thing leads to another and we make out on the deck of the bar so we go back inside and sit at the table across from Andy mind you and we are holding hands and kissing and ya it was just a wonderful evening.
Now I have this huge crush on Ryan and I talked to my friend Joelle last night and she thinks he’s totally cute and totally my type and my other friend MB who has known him a lot longer than me says that he is a good choice for me and again totally my type. the only bad thing is that I didn’t get his number or give him mine but we are all going out for beer and nachos this week and going to a cabaret on Saturday so we will see where it all goes, I hope somewhere but if not then dust in the wind and on to the next.
I will keep ya’ll updated on the goings on and how this all comes out…

Random Ramblings

It’s the 14th of May and it is snowing here in my fair city. You know I used to have hope that summer would come but today my hope has blown away like the snow blowing around outside. This is how crazy the weather is in the place in which I live; yesterday morning it was snowing (melting as it hit the ground but snowing none the less) and when I left work at 4 pm it was +18 according the temp in my car. I mean we always say that if you don’t like the weather here wait 5 minutes and it will change.

I bought 5 swimsuits since Christmas and if I wear one by the time we come back to school in the fall it will be a miracle at this point but at least I have them when we go on our trip in January…10 days to either Mexico or the Dominican!!! Mom hasn’t booked it yet because she is all freaking out about the flu thing going around but whatever we aren’t going till January so it might all blow over so I told her that the only reason I really want to go to Mexico is to see the ruins. I know what you are thinking why walk around in the jungle when you can lay on the beach and drink and check out hot guys well I think that if you are there you should see all that you can see because you could leave this world tomorrow and I don’t want to have any regrets. Don’t get me wrong I will spend plenty of time drinking on the beach but that is just something I want to do.

Speaking of regrets, I have told all my friends about my stupid ex and his behavior surrounding the end of our 3 year relationship and they all can’t believe it!! Although I do have one bit of crazy info to share but first I should give some back story….ok TL and CS have been friends since they were in kindergarten and me and TL and CS hung out a lot when me and CS were together so I got to be really great friends with TL’s sister JL and we are still good friends after all the bullshit. So we had drinks the other night and she told me that CS got really drunk one night shortly after our break-up and accused TL of hooking up with me while we were dating. Even as I’m typing this I can’t believe he would go there I mean he must have been wasted for that thought to even cross his mind! I guess TL was just livid for CS to even think of accusing him of that…where is the trust??? Did he not trust TL or even me for that matter??? it makes me wonder though for him to even ask that drunk, was he thinking it for awhile because in all honesty me and TL have more in common in terms of goals for the future than me and CS ever did.

One more bit of random news before I sign off for the day…I have been subbing in this school for the last couple days and today I found out that the lady I am in for isn’t coming back till the 1st of June which means I get 2 more full weeks of work!! Then only two weeks of running around to different schools till summer break!!!

This was a long blog and thanks for reading (to whoever does)

not supposed to go like this

well he has a new car and a new gf....after 2 weeks of being single they started "hanging out" he met her through a girl that he works with and she works where he works so all the bs about no one else or the possiblity of anyone else was just that bs..i mean at least after 3 yrs together have some fucking respect to tell me goddam truth yes it would have hurt more in the begining but at least it would have been fucking honest its nice to know that after 3 yrs he can just turn off all those feelings....what it ever real ? did he ever really love me ? or was it all a lie and ive just been fooling myself ?....and you know what i'm not moving out of the city ive lost so much in the last month that he dosent get to take that from me as well

i always thought i would be one to move on quicker at least now i know what kind of person he really is and yes it is for the best that it ended..... did i really wanna deal with that bullshit for the rest of my life.... let him control her like he did me and maybe once that goes to shit he will realize that the girls dont need to change he doese....he has no fucking clue how to be in a realtionship or in a break-up for that matter...i mean he keeps trying to be friends...how can i be friends with a snake like that? how can he sit there an lie and still want something for me? its just a big fucking waste of time...

my friends and family have been telling since it ended that we were never right for each other...why not tell me 2 yrs ago yes it would have hurt and maybe i wouldn't have listened but at least the seed would have been planted....

after all this bullshit i have no respect left for him....there is nothing left

Scrapping Night

well tomorrow i am hosting my first ever scrapping night. when me and my ex-bf broke up i lost my scrapping partner which was his mom, she really got me into it and i love it but i need someone else to share it with. so i put an ad out on Kijji looking for 4-5 local ladies to scrap with every second week and i got more than enough interest but because i live in a condo i could only say yes to the first 4 that answered and they all sound really excited about it so i'm really excited to host but also very nervous. what if they dont like me ? what if .... i dunno i think its cuz i've never done anything like this before and i'm really ready to start scrapping again after a month of letting my heart heal.

which brings me to my next point (not scrapping related) i met a guy last weekend at the bar and we hit it off really well and he gave me his number and we have hung out once since we met but i texted him the other day to see if he wanted to do something this week and i kinda get the feeling like he blew me off, i mean he works all the time, he comes home at like 1030 at night and i think that he thinks i want more from the relationship than i really do but after he said he wasnt sure if he wanted to see me this week i dunno what to do, i would like to clairify to him that all i am looking for is a good time (dont get the wrong idea now) and nothing more....i mean i just got out of a 3 year realtionship and i am leaving the city in 6 weeks for the summer and who knows what could happen over the summer....i'm just confuzed. my BFF told me to text him tonight but i'm being stubborn maybe i will tomarrow and get together before i leave for the weekend and if not then i will chalk it up to "he's just not that into me"