I’m having a tough couple days…
I just feel so lost…
I get paid tomorrow but its not enough…I only get $740 and my car costs were $755 and change so its not even enough to cover that let alone rent for the month and gas for the week….i don’t know how I’m going to make it work….im going to have to go crawling to mom and dad again for like the millionth time this month.
Some days I just want to give up and move home but then I will just feel like I failed…I just feel so lost since the end and I don’t feel like I will ever get that sense of goodness back…
I just feel like I should be farther along in my life than I am….
on another note, there is a cute new actioner working in my building so i have a new crush...im sure i will be over the crush by the end of the week but for now he is just something good to look at and super nice and just an all around good guy
September 29, 2009
September 28, 2009
monday confessions
i dont really have anything to confess, i had a pretty laid back weekend. i was feeling run down all weekend so i just slept and chilled; however i did get a lil shock saturday night around 330 am !!!
JD called. ya thats right no text this time and while its the first time since i ran into back in june that hes called (i know i know why am i wasting my time with him, i'm not really anymore) i'm not really impressed that he called at 330am and even less impressed when i know he was only calling for a booty call...whatever its all just bullshit !!! this is why i cant just be friends with him.
other bit of news, not sure if i mentioned this before but the company i work for is moving to MJ within the next year and i'm really excited about it !!! my family and most of my friends havent been that supportive but whatever im living this life not them so whatever i guess i cant really say that i wont go i just have to wait and see where i am in a year.
JD called. ya thats right no text this time and while its the first time since i ran into back in june that hes called (i know i know why am i wasting my time with him, i'm not really anymore) i'm not really impressed that he called at 330am and even less impressed when i know he was only calling for a booty call...whatever its all just bullshit !!! this is why i cant just be friends with him.
other bit of news, not sure if i mentioned this before but the company i work for is moving to MJ within the next year and i'm really excited about it !!! my family and most of my friends havent been that supportive but whatever im living this life not them so whatever i guess i cant really say that i wont go i just have to wait and see where i am in a year.
September 25, 2009
totally worth it !!
so wednesday i left work at 3 pm and headed out of town to the Keith Urban concert 2 and 1/2 hours away. i made it there, almost....i was 10 km out of the city and my car broke down !!
needless to say i was very upset and even thought about calling my ex for help (i didnt) anyway after about 30 calls to my mom,friends letting them know i was gonna be late and my boss telling him i wasnt gonna be in tomorrow... i sucked it up and called a tow truck and decided to deal with it in the am.
i really believe someone upstairs loves me because we made it to the concert with time to spare before Lady A opened up the show.
they were amazing !!! i was so excited to see them and am happy they lived up to my expectations and its a good thing we listend to their cd all week in the office cause i knew like all the songs. they have this really great song called "long gone" and OMG its totally my new fave song.
so now on to KEITH URBAN...he opened the show with "hit the ground runnin" which is my fave song by him at the moment and thats exactly what he did. the energy of the show was amazing !!! you can really tell that he loves his fans and appreciates that they pay these crazy ticket prices and come out to the show, he even mentioned it. anyway the two best parts of the night was
1. a little bit into the show he made his way down our side of the arena and we took some amazing pics and i touched his shoulder !!!
2. with only a few songs left in the show, he came up the stairs by our seats and performed on a lil stage 3 or 4 rows above where we sat !!!!
after the show me and JL ran into KS (who was a pretty nice guy considering all the bullshit) in the parking lot and headed to the "Twig" and drank some bud light lime and danced the night away. the next day i sat at the garage where my car was being fixed from 10am to 4pm, while they figured out what was wrong with my car (turned out to the fuel pump) and fixed my car. so after a very long and tiring day of sitting, i paid my $836 and was on my way back home.
so now i'm back at work and back in RTown and super sleepy, sore and broke today but as far as im concered it was a great night and totally worth it.
needless to say i was very upset and even thought about calling my ex for help (i didnt) anyway after about 30 calls to my mom,friends letting them know i was gonna be late and my boss telling him i wasnt gonna be in tomorrow... i sucked it up and called a tow truck and decided to deal with it in the am.
i really believe someone upstairs loves me because we made it to the concert with time to spare before Lady A opened up the show.
they were amazing !!! i was so excited to see them and am happy they lived up to my expectations and its a good thing we listend to their cd all week in the office cause i knew like all the songs. they have this really great song called "long gone" and OMG its totally my new fave song.
so now on to KEITH URBAN...he opened the show with "hit the ground runnin" which is my fave song by him at the moment and thats exactly what he did. the energy of the show was amazing !!! you can really tell that he loves his fans and appreciates that they pay these crazy ticket prices and come out to the show, he even mentioned it. anyway the two best parts of the night was
1. a little bit into the show he made his way down our side of the arena and we took some amazing pics and i touched his shoulder !!!
2. with only a few songs left in the show, he came up the stairs by our seats and performed on a lil stage 3 or 4 rows above where we sat !!!!
after the show me and JL ran into KS (who was a pretty nice guy considering all the bullshit) in the parking lot and headed to the "Twig" and drank some bud light lime and danced the night away. the next day i sat at the garage where my car was being fixed from 10am to 4pm, while they figured out what was wrong with my car (turned out to the fuel pump) and fixed my car. so after a very long and tiring day of sitting, i paid my $836 and was on my way back home.
so now i'm back at work and back in RTown and super sleepy, sore and broke today but as far as im concered it was a great night and totally worth it.
September 23, 2009
KEITH URBAN
I AM GOING TO KEITH URBAN TONITE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, i got these tickets back in april and thought this day couldnt get here quick enough !!! i'm only sad cause my bff, B, cant come. she is doing her internship (something she has waited 4 years to do) so i guess i cant really blame her, but its here its finally here !!!! i feel like a 3yr old on christmas morning.
sidenote= this will be the first and only concert i have or will ever be sober for hahaha and thats maybe thing but whatever i like to party and have a good time and i do that with beer so sue me hahaha
OMG, i got these tickets back in april and thought this day couldnt get here quick enough !!! i'm only sad cause my bff, B, cant come. she is doing her internship (something she has waited 4 years to do) so i guess i cant really blame her, but its here its finally here !!!! i feel like a 3yr old on christmas morning.
sidenote= this will be the first and only concert i have or will ever be sober for hahaha and thats maybe thing but whatever i like to party and have a good time and i do that with beer so sue me hahaha
September 22, 2009
Untittled
you know i'm not really sure how to tittle this post, i wanna think of something witty to say that will sum up the jist of what i'm about to dive into.
so i'm pretty sure i am developing a crush on this guy at work, although he dosent work in my office (he works in another branch), i talk to him bout 12 times a day and he is always so polite and sweet. now i know what you are thinking, i have a crush i to some guy i talk to on the phone and i have met him. my first week at my new job, he was in the office and OMG super cute and just a good ole country boy all around. i smile just thinking bout him hahaha.
however, i'm not sure if he's married or involved with anyone so i think i will just let it be cause i mean really its just a crush and i think that i just need this lil crush to distract me from all the bullshit with JD and me feeling bad bout blowing off D (really nice guy, i'm just not that into him)
so i'm pretty sure i am developing a crush on this guy at work, although he dosent work in my office (he works in another branch), i talk to him bout 12 times a day and he is always so polite and sweet. now i know what you are thinking, i have a crush i to some guy i talk to on the phone and i have met him. my first week at my new job, he was in the office and OMG super cute and just a good ole country boy all around. i smile just thinking bout him hahaha.
however, i'm not sure if he's married or involved with anyone so i think i will just let it be cause i mean really its just a crush and i think that i just need this lil crush to distract me from all the bullshit with JD and me feeling bad bout blowing off D (really nice guy, i'm just not that into him)
September 20, 2009
midnight musings
i'm staying at SM's house tonight cuz her man is gone to a party and she dosent like to stay alone so i'm babysitting so to speak but it has been fun, we are just getting read for bed so i thought i would stop and update ya'll on whats been going on in the last couple days.
last night JD texted me for a couple hours, just basic what are you up to bullshit and i am sorry to say but i did answer him back mainly one word answers but even still and so tonight again the what are u up to texts started around 1130 so i know he's drinking but this is bullshit, we agreed to be friends so just leave it at that, i dont text my friends at random hours on the weekend, i talk to them durning normal hours and durning the week and so as much as he thinks last weekend was a mistake i think he's keeping my on the backburner for something else but whatever its all or nothing with him and i'm staying strong on that one.
i havent heard from D since our date, well thats a lie (i dont know why i just did that) he texted me fri afternoon and again tonight but i dont think i'm that into to him. i dunno i think i need a break from it all cause the best things happen when your not looking right??? whatever i mean i feel a little bad but thats just how i feel.
so on to something that isnt related to guys and all the bullshit that comes with that...i messed up my shoulder, i went for a massage today cause the pain kept me up all last night and the girl who did my massage said that all the sitting at this new job and whatever could have caused it so now here i sit with an ice pack on my shoulder and i can already feel that its gonna be sore tomorrow.
well thats all i got for you for now...i'm off to bed so till next time....
last night JD texted me for a couple hours, just basic what are you up to bullshit and i am sorry to say but i did answer him back mainly one word answers but even still and so tonight again the what are u up to texts started around 1130 so i know he's drinking but this is bullshit, we agreed to be friends so just leave it at that, i dont text my friends at random hours on the weekend, i talk to them durning normal hours and durning the week and so as much as he thinks last weekend was a mistake i think he's keeping my on the backburner for something else but whatever its all or nothing with him and i'm staying strong on that one.
i havent heard from D since our date, well thats a lie (i dont know why i just did that) he texted me fri afternoon and again tonight but i dont think i'm that into to him. i dunno i think i need a break from it all cause the best things happen when your not looking right??? whatever i mean i feel a little bad but thats just how i feel.
so on to something that isnt related to guys and all the bullshit that comes with that...i messed up my shoulder, i went for a massage today cause the pain kept me up all last night and the girl who did my massage said that all the sitting at this new job and whatever could have caused it so now here i sit with an ice pack on my shoulder and i can already feel that its gonna be sore tomorrow.
well thats all i got for you for now...i'm off to bed so till next time....
September 16, 2009
ready for the sunshine
last night i got my answer concerning JD, we are just gonna be friends, he thinks saturday was a mistake and wants to just to stay friends so i told him that it would be hard for me to do that because my feelings for him havent changed for him havent changed in the last 4 years but i would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all but after processing it till like midnight i dont think i can do that, i think with him its all or nothing and thats fine i was fine for 3 years with him not in my life so these past months was just a nice lil bonus so if he ever texts me or calls again then I need to just say to him if you don’t want something more, please don’t talk to me because its just to hard for me…you know there was a point over the last lil bit where I thought I would never be happy with someone again like I was with C but after just getting that giddy excited feeling with JD lets me know that I can have that again and it will happen when its supposed to happen, so ya I’m taking a break from boys till agrabition when I hope to find a good ole country boy hahaha
September 15, 2009
If ten million fireflies....
So my boss came into work today and introduced me to this amazing band and song…they are Owl City and the song is Fireflies, here are the lyrics and a link to the video…its amazing !!! they are my new fave
You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude, but I
Would just stand and stare.
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems.
Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightening bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance.
A foxtrot above my head,
A sock-hop beneath my bed,
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread.
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems.
(When I fall asleep.)
Leave my door open just a crack.
(Please take me away from here.)
Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
(Please take me away from here.)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here.)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
To ten million fireflies.
I'm weird, cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell.
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Cause I saved a few,
And I keep them in a jar.
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems.
(When I fall asleep.)
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9vyxf_owl-city-fireflies_music
You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude, but I
Would just stand and stare.
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems.
Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightening bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance.
A foxtrot above my head,
A sock-hop beneath my bed,
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread.
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems.
(When I fall asleep.)
Leave my door open just a crack.
(Please take me away from here.)
Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
(Please take me away from here.)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here.)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
To ten million fireflies.
I'm weird, cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell.
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Cause I saved a few,
And I keep them in a jar.
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems.
(When I fall asleep.)
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9vyxf_owl-city-fireflies_music
September 14, 2009
more confused than ever
Oh what a weekend….i am more confused than ever after the events of this past weekend.
Friday night I had a date with D, who I meet online and have been texting for just a lil over a month, and it went really well. We have a lot in common and I dunno I guess it kind of goes into my next issue….Saturday night I met up with JD at a bar ( I did go out with DP for her bday party but she was heading home so I told him I would come meet him) so ya we danced and drank all night and 2 of his buddies came up top me and asked me what the deal was with us…I mean what are we in high school like have some balls and come ask me yourself anyway to make a long story short he came home with me for a lil sleepover ;) hahaha and I basically poured my heart out to him, saying that my feelings for him haven’t changed in the last 4 years and that I;ve missed him and ya now my only problem is that we were both pretty drunk so im not really sure if he remembers me saying anything but he did tell me he likes me too and likes the way he feels when he;s around me…
So I talked to B last night and she said that I just need to take him out for coffee and just lay it all out on line again because what I really have to loose at this point? I guess I’m just scared because if I do say all this then I run the risk of not having him in my life at all but I cant keep doing what I’m doing with him, its not fair. He is almost preventing me from dating anyone else….i just feel like i am in this really grey area with him and I’m more confused than ever and this bullshit needs to stop. We either need to be friends or be in a relationship, we cant be friends with benefits because I’m too emotionally invested and there is too much history there and worse case scenario, I will loose him out of my life and like B said I did just fine for 3 years without him in my life and I did just fine so I could do it again if need be and if I pour my heart out to him and he shuts me down then at least I will know because I’ve been screwed around before and I don’t want to do that again with JD.
Friday night I had a date with D, who I meet online and have been texting for just a lil over a month, and it went really well. We have a lot in common and I dunno I guess it kind of goes into my next issue….Saturday night I met up with JD at a bar ( I did go out with DP for her bday party but she was heading home so I told him I would come meet him) so ya we danced and drank all night and 2 of his buddies came up top me and asked me what the deal was with us…I mean what are we in high school like have some balls and come ask me yourself anyway to make a long story short he came home with me for a lil sleepover ;) hahaha and I basically poured my heart out to him, saying that my feelings for him haven’t changed in the last 4 years and that I;ve missed him and ya now my only problem is that we were both pretty drunk so im not really sure if he remembers me saying anything but he did tell me he likes me too and likes the way he feels when he;s around me…
So I talked to B last night and she said that I just need to take him out for coffee and just lay it all out on line again because what I really have to loose at this point? I guess I’m just scared because if I do say all this then I run the risk of not having him in my life at all but I cant keep doing what I’m doing with him, its not fair. He is almost preventing me from dating anyone else….i just feel like i am in this really grey area with him and I’m more confused than ever and this bullshit needs to stop. We either need to be friends or be in a relationship, we cant be friends with benefits because I’m too emotionally invested and there is too much history there and worse case scenario, I will loose him out of my life and like B said I did just fine for 3 years without him in my life and I did just fine so I could do it again if need be and if I pour my heart out to him and he shuts me down then at least I will know because I’ve been screwed around before and I don’t want to do that again with JD.
September 10, 2009
getting there
In the last little bit I have been questioning whether my move was the right now and struggling with where I’m going and what I’m doing here and life in general. Well I finally believe I will be alright here. I have had really good past couple days and maybe I’m just riding the high of that but even so. I’m in a really good mood today but super tired and not really sure why but I am sucking down coffee like its going out of style.
Last night JD texted me asking what I was up to this weekend and while we might not hang out, it’s a big improvement from him texting at 630 pm on a Saturday asking me to hang out so whatever I’m leaving it all up to fate cause it has a funny way of bringing us together despite all the random bullshit that seems to go on. Also D, a guy I met online and have been texting for the better part of a month, asked me to go for drinks on Friday and I feel really bad if I blow him off to hang with JD but such is life and its not like I know this guy really great its just texting which is weird cause you thing we would have talked on the phone or whatever but nothing I don’t know and then Saturday night I have DP’s bday party which I’m really excited about so all in all its shaping up to be a pretty busy weekend and little life I got going on down here. I’m starting to feel….i don’t want to say settled but getting there.
Last night JD texted me asking what I was up to this weekend and while we might not hang out, it’s a big improvement from him texting at 630 pm on a Saturday asking me to hang out so whatever I’m leaving it all up to fate cause it has a funny way of bringing us together despite all the random bullshit that seems to go on. Also D, a guy I met online and have been texting for the better part of a month, asked me to go for drinks on Friday and I feel really bad if I blow him off to hang with JD but such is life and its not like I know this guy really great its just texting which is weird cause you thing we would have talked on the phone or whatever but nothing I don’t know and then Saturday night I have DP’s bday party which I’m really excited about so all in all its shaping up to be a pretty busy weekend and little life I got going on down here. I’m starting to feel….i don’t want to say settled but getting there.
September 08, 2009
where did i make that wrong turn???
well i had a great long weekend at home, got to go to the cabin one last time and see my nephew,J once more before thanksgiving cause thats probably the next time i will be home...my mom and my geido gave me some cash to keep me going till the end of the month ($20 of which i spent last night on supper with JD (whole other story) )
so ya all and all it was a pretty sweet weekend other than driving 4 hrs and 45 min home and back by myself and the cold weather but what are you gonna do i mean it is sept.
i did have a breakdown on saturday night cause mom started asking me all about my job and where i'm gonna get $$$ from and what not and i just started crying cause sometimes i look at where i am and look at where i could be and i wonder where did i go wrong??? where did i turn left when i should have turned right??? i'm just wondering if i will ever get it together ???? maybe there are things in my life that i could have done differently but would i be the same person i am now if that was the case....
don't get me wrong i am happy with my job and the way things have happened since the end but do i wish things would have stayed the same? of course... could it have been worse ?? oh yea
i dunno i'm just in a weird mood today....on to JD, i'm just gonna leave things be with him and if he is nothing more than a distraction till something better comes along then so be it but if in time i get to a better place mentally and emotionally and someting becomes of whatever it is that we are doing now then awesome but if we stay friends i'm really ok with that as well....
so ya all and all it was a pretty sweet weekend other than driving 4 hrs and 45 min home and back by myself and the cold weather but what are you gonna do i mean it is sept.
i did have a breakdown on saturday night cause mom started asking me all about my job and where i'm gonna get $$$ from and what not and i just started crying cause sometimes i look at where i am and look at where i could be and i wonder where did i go wrong??? where did i turn left when i should have turned right??? i'm just wondering if i will ever get it together ???? maybe there are things in my life that i could have done differently but would i be the same person i am now if that was the case....
don't get me wrong i am happy with my job and the way things have happened since the end but do i wish things would have stayed the same? of course... could it have been worse ?? oh yea
i dunno i'm just in a weird mood today....on to JD, i'm just gonna leave things be with him and if he is nothing more than a distraction till something better comes along then so be it but if in time i get to a better place mentally and emotionally and someting becomes of whatever it is that we are doing now then awesome but if we stay friends i'm really ok with that as well....
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