I've been thinking alot about Haldan these past few weeks, why i'm not really sure.
just last night i had a dream i went to a memorial for him and told his brother i'm sorry, i should have been there more, i should have tried harder, i should have......
in the dream i didnt tell cory and i'm not sure why. i woke up this morning still feeling sorry for not telling cory and for not being there for haldan.
maybe that is just how one feels after someone is taken by suicide.....maybe i will always feel this guilt and sorry and like its all still so unfinished.
as i get older and things with me and cory get more and more serious i think i think about haldan alot more. how we never got that chance , now dont get me wrong i love cory i really do but with haldan it was a different love on a different level, maybe that is cause it happend so fast and so young.
it makes me sad that i cant share the memories of him with anyone cause everyone that knew me with him is no longer around - we have all moved on to our little corners of the world and life just keeps spinning
memories like the moment we met, the first time we knew it was something more than just friends, the time he drove 3 hours to see me for like 12 hours, the night we were moving vehicles at the farm and the lights went out in the truck, the time that we rode around in the swather for like 10 hours
i creeped his lady friend at the time of his passing and even she has moved on. she is with some guy and had a baby. i dont know why i did this. maybe i haven't delt with the fact that he chose to leave.
i miss so much about him - his laugh, his smell, the way he looked at me, the stupid little grin he had
i haven't been to see where they burried him - im not really sure why, maybe it would make all definate and final like i wouldn't always be half expecting the phone to ring in the middle of the night and him say hey.....
the phone hasn't rung in 3 years and it never will........
