finding my way back home

well i made a choice over the last couple days....im moving home till january.

i am 25 and moving back in with my parents for the second time.

its no permanent, its only temporary and i feel like its the best option for me in the long run. my plan is to move to the lake for the summer, work up there till the end of sept then work for mom in a bigger capacity that i have been, hopefully i will save enough money in this time to be able to get my own place in january once i get back to doing the work i really want to do.

i havent told anyone expect my parents and my best friend, not even my current roomate/good friend....im really nervous about it....i dont know what to say and i feel things will be awkward between us after i say something....im hoping to tell her tomorrow.....

do i feel like i wasted the last 3 months? of course but there is nothing i can do about it now....i feel this unsettledness that im feeling is part of the reason i am unhappy....maybe i need professional help but we will see how things go this summer and take stock again in the fall....

i just feel like this is the best thing for me long term and its only temporary.....

lazy sunday afternoon

every year my parents go away for a month and while its not long, for some reason this year it was really hard to get my head around they arent gonna be around for a month. i thought last year it would be hard but it wasnt and this year it really was. so i think that was part of the reason i was so down these past couple days. they stopped over this am and said goodbye and i cried like it was the first time they ever left.

on another note im broke and i dont just mean low on cash broke but broke broke like a negative balance in my bank account broke. i need a job like yesterday.
ive been doing not bad on the eat-your-kitchen challenge although today i did break down and get some groceries, however; i did get lots of stuff that will last awhile and that i can use with other stuff i already own.

tomorrow i am going to apply for some jobs or play guitar hero all day depending if it rains or not....

how can i fix something if i dont know what's broken?

im not happy and i havent been for awhile and i dont know what to do to make things better. im trying so hard to fix whatever it is that is wrong but i dont know whats wrong so how can i fix it.....all i want is that place in the sun cause i feel like ive been in the dark for so long and im tired . im tired of feeling this way and i just want things to be better so bad that it hurts. my heart hurts. my mind hurts. my spirit hurts.

i should believe that everything happens for a reason but what ? what is the reason for all this pain that im feeling? something has got to give somewhere and its gotta be all better soon cause if it isnt i just dont know what to do .....

JUNE 14th

that is the day that i finally meet with the heart guy.

is it weird that i've never been sooooo excited for a doctor's appt . i hope they give me back my licence....i'm just very excited !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not much else is happening in my life. one of my cowboy's buddies added me to fbook and i totally took creeping to a whole new level hahahah im soooo bad (i hope i hear from him again) anyway i dont know much about him other than he is the same age as me and his real name so from now on i will refer to him as MW.
joker messaged me on msn. he's all like sorry i havent talked to you in awhile but ive been dealing with some shit and i was like no worries, it happens but i was kinda a bad person and said if you ever make it back to stoon let me know and maybe we can do something and he's all like oh i would like that .... whatever i only through it out there cause i know it wont happen which makes me sad cause i think it could have been really great but then i got over the sadness and started being awesome hahahaha .... oh one more thing i made my online dating profile again but didnt really but that much effort into it and am not creeping or messaging guys this time, i'm a lady they can message me if they are interested.

oh i also found out my $$$ situation is gonna run out real quick so i applied for a few jobs online today and dropped of a resume at my local bar and the guy i talked to was pretty cool so i hope he liked me and will give me something part time at least....here is hoping....pray for me :)

Ctown

im home after 4 days and 12hrs in the car and i had a fabulous time in calgary

i got to visit the zoo

and i also did some major shopping damage that wasnt really planned but oh well im not gonna shop again till black friday in november so i figure it will all even out hahaha.....now its back to reality and hopefully back to work they havent called me for a second shift so i hope i get to go back or else i should start looking for another job asap but i wanna head home this coming weekend so maybe not having another shift might be alright hahahaha but i do need to recover my spending from this weekend and get some groceries and pay rent and over due bills so we will see what happens....oh one other little story i hooked up with a cowboy last weekend and he texted me saturday night hahaha but alas i was in calgary so i couldnt go out so i dunno if he will text again but if not no worries hahaha..... i will leave you with another pic.....

slow learners still learn

i have a few things to mention so this post might be all over the place.....

tonite im going training for my new job as a bartender at a local events center. im kinda nervous but also pretty excited cause after 4 months of sitting on my ass i need to get out doing something. i hope it all goes well.

last night i deleted my online dating profile. i also deleted joker from my phone and msn so hopefully i wont hear from that guy again. i told Brandy that i deleted it and she told me that i should have done it two weeks ago and i was like better late than never and she said ... slow learners still learn which i really like so that is the name of this post and my new fbook status.

im doing pretty good on eat your kitchen so im happy about that.....i was craving ice cream yesterday in the worst way and crosoints (dont think i spelt that right) but didnt get either instead had some girl guide cookies and milk and rotini with hotdogs for supper....not very appitzing but at least i didnt spend any money.

now im going to calgary this weekned with Joelle so im super pumped and i only have like $250 to spend on food, the zoo and shopping so i hope it will all last and i hope i can still go cause im super nervous work is gonna ask me to work and well i just gotta say i have something this weekend that i cant get out of , hopefully it wont screw me over in the long run but there are other places hiring bartenders so whatever, i just kinda feel bad.

so i probally wont post till after we come back from calgary i know i said that before but this time i mean it....i am training tonite at 5 till who knows when and then we are off at like 8am tomorrow cause its like a 6 hr drive.

later

monday morning confessions

yes i know it isnt monday am anymore its 1228pm on monday night (or tuesday am depending on how you look at it ) but its been a crazy couple days so its taken me this long to blog about the weekend.

as you may have heard the paires got pelted by a snow storm friday (notice previous post for a pic)

anyway saturday am Brandy texted me and i had my phone across the room cause i was pissed joker didnt text/call so whatever i jump out of bed and well jump is a bad word i step out of bed to answer the phone and i feel funny and twisted my ankle all to shit (more on that later) so thats all fine, that night me and Brandy went to the twig and danced ( i hobbled ) and drank and met some good ole cowboys and i went home with one well not really but ... ok this is how it happend it took forever for us to get a cab and when we finally did some guy jumped in the cab with us, turns out he is buddies with the cowboy whom i made out with on the dance floor earlier in the night (i think we also shared a dance or two) anyway the cab goes to his place first and out comes my cowboy from the house on his way to make a food run at like 330 so i jump out of the cab and go with him and B goes home to her man so we get food and come back to the house and he puts ice on my ankle and one thing leads to another and we make out and go up to his room and well you can only imagine from there....im not proud of my choice but at least i was safe about it.

next day i hang out with him and his buddies for a bit before realizing i should have stayed in the cab with B anyway i get a cab  and head to Brandy's place where i put sweats on and slept till like 230 pm at which time i got a phone call asking me if i could come in for an interview that night at 630 so i call JL to come pick me up and i go home, shower and make my way downtown to the interview (i kinda got the job, i go train on thurs)

so sunday night joker texts me and is all like oh i forgot my phone at my friends place im so sorry....so i ask him if i ever get to see him again and he is all like ya i wanna see you cause i really like you so whatever i text him this am and asked if he wanted to do something before he goes to edmonton on tuesday he said sure i said ok how bout supper and well stand me up once shame on you stand me up twice shame on me....its bullshit cause i know for a fact that he will text me when its convient for him and im sooooooooooooooo over it !!! i know i know i said it before but next time he texts me im just gonna say if you like me you need to hang out with me cause im not the kinda girl that likes to wait around.

now on to my ankle .... i made a dr appt earlier in the week cause i felt faint latst tues so i wanted to check with the dr to see what was up in the meantime i twisted my ankle so i thought i would get that checked out too....the doc thinks that my case about my heart should be written in a medical journal cause im that unique and he is really surprised i havent seen the specialist yet so hes gonna get on that and he said my ankle is very sprained so im going for xrays tomorrow to make sure but i need to wear a brace for 3 weeks and he prescribed me some great pain meds.

so thats that .... my life in the last 3 days.....i have a shitty ankle, joker is a jackass and i have a new job that i have to hobble around for at least 3 weeks also im heading to calgary with joelle friday am and im very excited cause we are gonna go to the zoo !!!! so i probally wont write much , if at all untill i come back from that.

times like these

so yesterday joker started texting me in the early pm and we were flirting pretty good so i invited him over later and well what do you know he showed up !!!

we kissed a bit and talked alot.....anyway so we were sitting there and he asked what i was thinking and i said well its taken me this long to see ya and im just wondering when i get to see ya again and he said what are doing tomorrow and i said not much and he said well lets do supper and well to make a long story short its 645 and i havent heard from him....

im sad that he hasnt called and im sad that i half thought we would really go for that supper but ya i dunno...

i know better than this and and i deserve better than this...it shouldnt be this much work !!!

weekend wrap-up

this past weekend i went home for easter but i will get to that in a moment but first a something to ponder....a few days ago i went back and read my blog, i haven been blogging that much or that long so it really didnt take me too long plus i skimmed some entries and wow let me tell you if i didnt blog about guys and random drama that comes along with them, i would have nothing to say. so i'm going to try and step away from guys (i know i know ive said this before) but there is so much more going on that i have to talk about that well they can go on the back burner for awhile plus with nothing going on with joker i dont really have anymore guy drama to blog about anyway.

now to the weekend, well i went home saturday with my bro and his gf and her little girl and well ive come to conculsion that other than J i dont like any little kids under school age. so we get home and me and mom go to pick up J. he wasnt really keen on coming with us so i went over to him and was like oh come with auntie to grandma's house and do you know what he said to me ... "i dont love you" !!!
that moment broke my heart, so much so that i started crying, and i know he didnt mean it but just to hear that come from him when i feel nothing but love for him was heartbreaking; however come to think of it i dont think that it that i was crying over, it was just everything thats been going on lately i needed a little love from J.
sunday was a gong-show and i told my parents that unless my bro has another kid, J is the only grandchild they are going to have (i might stick to that..im not real big on having kids) anyway after my bro and his gf left, J stayed overnight again and so did i. it was really nice to get that one on one time with him and i felt better about life in general and today when him and mom dropped me off at the bus to come back to the city he gave me a huge hug and a kiss and said love you so; life is good again.

they are coming in to the city on wednesday and we are going to see Franklin so we will see how that all goes.

Who I am

I want someone to love me for who I am.

I want someone to need me.

Is that so bad?

I wanna break all the madness

but it's all I have.

I want someone to love me

for who I am.