i've been home for well at least a week now and spent 90% of my time up at the lake (cuz of work but still) and its amazing how much you let go when you want to....i am usually done work around 130 pm so i go to the beach for the better part of the rest of the day and just sitting/laying there listening to the waves and the wind and all the lake sounds really puts things in check. JL texted me the other night asking how things were going and i said its amazing how the lake the does the soul good....i have no stress, no drama, no bullshit.
speaking of no stress, no drama, no bullshit...i am taking a break from guys this summer...B dosent think i will last but i am standing firm on my nothing but kissing policy....i really hit rock bottom the last little bit and ya i dont want to go back there...
not much else to write about, today we are having J's 2nd bday party and he has grown so much in the last year and ya he is still amazing and i love him more than anything....
i will try and write at least once a week if i get home that much...the way its going i will most likely have weekends off but who knows once summer offically starts
June 27, 2009
June 16, 2009
Monday Confessions
I know its Tuesday and not Monday confessions but whatever I don’t have a computer and in 2 and ½ days I wont be near one on a daily occurrence so the blogs might get a little long but I will try and keep ya’ll updated every few days….
This past weekend I went out of town to one of my very best friend’s shower/stagette. It was really nice to see and catch up with some people I haven’t really seen since I started dating C like 3 years ago….and then there were some people I could go without seeing for the rest of my life like my blast from the past…H!
oh that’s right he rolled up to the combined stag/stagette even though he isn’t really close to either my friend or the guy she is marrying….anyway we were all sitting around the fire drinking and having a good time and its getting later in the evening so I’m cold so me and L(my friends husband to be) go get our coats and H follows us and is all like oh lets talk, oh I miss you, blah blah blah…in all the bullshit that has gone in the last few months its nice to know something’s never change….like the fact that H tells me get has a new truck (big deal to farm kids) and asks if I want to go for a ride and to this day I’m pretty proud that I said no and walked away from him (we started dating shortly after I took a ride in his last truck) we also joked about how we will probably end up together when its all said and done….
When he first showed up at the party I had a mini panic attack and why I’m not really sure cause after talking to him I know there is nothing there in terms of attraction anymore but I dunno I guess cause he was all the major firsts for me (except kiss that was a bull rider from a small town near S) I dunno what it is about H that makes me panic well not really panic just get nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach maybe cause there is so much history there….seeing him felt a little like validation in that I may not be where I wanted to be at 24 but I am certainly not the same person I was when I was 16 or even 19 for that matter (we first met when I was 16 and started dating at 19)
Another little tid-bit of new that happened over the weekend into yesterday is that MO was texting me all Saturday night (while I’m dealing with H) and was like we have to get together before I leave for the summer….so yesterday he texted me at like 730 asking if I wanted to hang out and watch a movie and I wasn’t doing anything important so I said ok….10pm rolls around and he shows up (he was texting me the whole time cuz random stuff came up that he had to do so whatever) anyway he works at 6 every day it wasn’t a long visit but he asked if we could hang out tonight so he said he would text me when he gets off work at like 630-700 so ya I guess I will just see where it all goes…I mean we have fun together and there were no awkward silences it was just comfortable but I mean come on I have 2 and ½ days left…..
Well that was a lot of information to get out in a blog but get used to it cause this is what’s it’s gonna be like until I get a computer again and blog day by day….
This past weekend I went out of town to one of my very best friend’s shower/stagette. It was really nice to see and catch up with some people I haven’t really seen since I started dating C like 3 years ago….and then there were some people I could go without seeing for the rest of my life like my blast from the past…H!
oh that’s right he rolled up to the combined stag/stagette even though he isn’t really close to either my friend or the guy she is marrying….anyway we were all sitting around the fire drinking and having a good time and its getting later in the evening so I’m cold so me and L(my friends husband to be) go get our coats and H follows us and is all like oh lets talk, oh I miss you, blah blah blah…in all the bullshit that has gone in the last few months its nice to know something’s never change….like the fact that H tells me get has a new truck (big deal to farm kids) and asks if I want to go for a ride and to this day I’m pretty proud that I said no and walked away from him (we started dating shortly after I took a ride in his last truck) we also joked about how we will probably end up together when its all said and done….
When he first showed up at the party I had a mini panic attack and why I’m not really sure cause after talking to him I know there is nothing there in terms of attraction anymore but I dunno I guess cause he was all the major firsts for me (except kiss that was a bull rider from a small town near S) I dunno what it is about H that makes me panic well not really panic just get nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach maybe cause there is so much history there….seeing him felt a little like validation in that I may not be where I wanted to be at 24 but I am certainly not the same person I was when I was 16 or even 19 for that matter (we first met when I was 16 and started dating at 19)
Another little tid-bit of new that happened over the weekend into yesterday is that MO was texting me all Saturday night (while I’m dealing with H) and was like we have to get together before I leave for the summer….so yesterday he texted me at like 730 asking if I wanted to hang out and watch a movie and I wasn’t doing anything important so I said ok….10pm rolls around and he shows up (he was texting me the whole time cuz random stuff came up that he had to do so whatever) anyway he works at 6 every day it wasn’t a long visit but he asked if we could hang out tonight so he said he would text me when he gets off work at like 630-700 so ya I guess I will just see where it all goes…I mean we have fun together and there were no awkward silences it was just comfortable but I mean come on I have 2 and ½ days left…..
Well that was a lot of information to get out in a blog but get used to it cause this is what’s it’s gonna be like until I get a computer again and blog day by day….
June 11, 2009
lost...
i have all this freedom to do what i want in the fall but i am sooo scared to take that next step...i just feel so lost...i wish someone would just tell me this is what you're doing in the fall and then i will just do it...i was talking to B last night and she said she could hear in my voice how excited i got even just talking about moving to the R and how not excited i was to stay in S...
i have been making a pro/con list with those two places and BC on it and i think i just need to take the leap and move to R and worst comes to worst i can always come home....there would be no fear, no past, no nothing standing in my way...
i think B was right when she told me that i am not strong enough to stay in S without her b/c she will be gone till after new years and ya i just need to get out and get away from it all and maybe R is a place where i can be happy...BC is to much of a distancce to see if i would be happy there
so ya this is the thoughts that are running though my head these days...in the end though i am going to wait to see what summer brings...
i have been making a pro/con list with those two places and BC on it and i think i just need to take the leap and move to R and worst comes to worst i can always come home....there would be no fear, no past, no nothing standing in my way...
i think B was right when she told me that i am not strong enough to stay in S without her b/c she will be gone till after new years and ya i just need to get out and get away from it all and maybe R is a place where i can be happy...BC is to much of a distancce to see if i would be happy there
so ya this is the thoughts that are running though my head these days...in the end though i am going to wait to see what summer brings...
June 08, 2009
Was it ment to be...?
This past weekend I went to my very good friend’s homecoming party and it was great…soooo good to catch up with old friends and make some new ones…the only downer about the whole weekend was that it rained the whole time and even though this party was 2 hours south of where I live it is now raining here and I’m not liking it…I just want to be at home in my comfy pj’s, drinking coffee, watching bad TV and painting and/or scrapbooking (got lots of pics to scrap from the weekend)
I also had a blast from the past on Saturday night….we were out at the bar dancing away the night when I feel this hand on my hip and I turn around expecting it to be some guy who wanted to dance with me (so not into guys right now, just want to be me and myself) and who is but JD!!!!
The story behind him is that we dated for a couple months when I was going to university and it never really ended I mean we just kind of both got busy and stopped seeing each other, anyway I ran into him at craven the summer after university and then again in the fall and a football cabaret and now 3 years later at the bar…it was crazy, we had a beer and caught up as much as you can while drinking and talking with loud music around…I found out that he bought a farm and started his own company so it sounds like he is getting things together and growing up a lot…we exchanged numbers and well who knows what will happen… its so funny cause as we catching up he told me he still watches spongebob squarepants and still thinks of when we used to cuddle on the couch and watch it and ya it makes me happy that he still thinks of me fondly and that I have always been in his life in some small way
maybe I’m just over thinking it to much but maybe we are meant to end up together…maybe we just had to go out into the world and make our own mistakes and successes and then find our way back to each other….I don’t know I just don’t want it to be another 3 years before we see each other again and ya we always had fun together, it was always easy and I just felt like I could be myself around him…
i guess i will just have to wait and see what happens....leaving this one all up to fate
I also had a blast from the past on Saturday night….we were out at the bar dancing away the night when I feel this hand on my hip and I turn around expecting it to be some guy who wanted to dance with me (so not into guys right now, just want to be me and myself) and who is but JD!!!!
The story behind him is that we dated for a couple months when I was going to university and it never really ended I mean we just kind of both got busy and stopped seeing each other, anyway I ran into him at craven the summer after university and then again in the fall and a football cabaret and now 3 years later at the bar…it was crazy, we had a beer and caught up as much as you can while drinking and talking with loud music around…I found out that he bought a farm and started his own company so it sounds like he is getting things together and growing up a lot…we exchanged numbers and well who knows what will happen… its so funny cause as we catching up he told me he still watches spongebob squarepants and still thinks of when we used to cuddle on the couch and watch it and ya it makes me happy that he still thinks of me fondly and that I have always been in his life in some small way
maybe I’m just over thinking it to much but maybe we are meant to end up together…maybe we just had to go out into the world and make our own mistakes and successes and then find our way back to each other….I don’t know I just don’t want it to be another 3 years before we see each other again and ya we always had fun together, it was always easy and I just felt like I could be myself around him…
i guess i will just have to wait and see what happens....leaving this one all up to fate
June 01, 2009
just another day...
saturday night me and AG had our movie night...we didnt go see UP cause he was out of town for the day and didnt get back to the city till like 1020 and the movie started at 1010 so we rented nick and norah's infinate playlist(great movie) and taken and had a night in....it was nice we cuddled on the couch and had a sleepover....
i'm not sure how to feel about it all...i dont want to get too excited cause i dont wanna have to deal with the dissapointment plus what can really happen when i only have two weeks left in the city....i think i will just let it all be and see what happens....
i have started seeing a counsellor....i had a breakdown friday after work and mom and B said that yes maybe its time i start seeing someone with an unbiased view of it all cause they dont know what to say or how to help me anymore....so i went and it was good, she kinda told me what everyone has been telling me for the past couple months but she also said i'm a realtionship-orinated person not just in actual realtionships but with family and friends as well...she said that i need to focus on just being me and breathing on my own and finding out who i really am and what i really want...she put into words my feelings about the whole thing....i am seeing her again on the 12th and that will be probably it and we will see how the summer goes and where i end up because on that point i'm still not sure...i like where i am now cause i have people here who do care about me but i could really go anywhere from sasky to BC cause i have family in every province....if i am ment to be somewhere then thats where i will end up....
wherever you go, that's where you are
i'm not sure how to feel about it all...i dont want to get too excited cause i dont wanna have to deal with the dissapointment plus what can really happen when i only have two weeks left in the city....i think i will just let it all be and see what happens....
i have started seeing a counsellor....i had a breakdown friday after work and mom and B said that yes maybe its time i start seeing someone with an unbiased view of it all cause they dont know what to say or how to help me anymore....so i went and it was good, she kinda told me what everyone has been telling me for the past couple months but she also said i'm a realtionship-orinated person not just in actual realtionships but with family and friends as well...she said that i need to focus on just being me and breathing on my own and finding out who i really am and what i really want...she put into words my feelings about the whole thing....i am seeing her again on the 12th and that will be probably it and we will see how the summer goes and where i end up because on that point i'm still not sure...i like where i am now cause i have people here who do care about me but i could really go anywhere from sasky to BC cause i have family in every province....if i am ment to be somewhere then thats where i will end up....
wherever you go, that's where you are
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