random way to get a date

last night a few guys my dad works with came over and this one guy ,Ronnie, is always bugging me that he is gonna find me a good ole boy so i said well lets see some action so he says he's gonna set me up with D  (Stan's son who is also over at the house) well they were all drinking and playing cards and Ronnie decides to text D so to make a long story short R set up a date with D on new years eve for lunch in stoon (which is 2 hrs from where i live but where i will be moving jan 20)
so today i get a text from D at like 1130am asking me my name and how i know R so i answer but dont take it any farther than that.

now i would just like to throw it out there .... is this kinda weird ??? my dad's friend setting me up on a date with someone ??? i dunno i just find it a little odd , i mean i'm totally going whats the worst that could happen right ??? however i might have to cancel if Brandy and Erin dont quit being lame cuz ive had a shitty fucking year and i need to ring the new one in right with a lot of rye and coke and my two best buddies.

i will let you know how it all goes if it all goes but i must say this might be the last post of the year and the last one till i come back from MEXICO bitches !!! (sorry always wanted to say that hahaha) so

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!

Hibernating

i know ive kinda been MIA over the past couple weeks its just that living at home on a farm 45 min away from a city dosent lend its self to much drama which i am thankful for.

ok since i last wrote i havent had much going on just kinda getting up at noon and laying around in my sweat pants and eating good home/christmas/ holiday food however i went down to Regina on the 9th for some heart stuff and while in the test i had an episode so they now know what exactly is going on with me when i go down, turns out my heart stops !!! ya how crazy, this particular time my heart stopped for 9 seconds !!!! it still amazes me that i havent been seriously hurt from all this "fainting". so the docs got together and figured i needed a pacemaker so all good and fine i was gonna get one and just live like normal. the next day another doc called and said i dont need a pacemaker they are just gonna put me on some meds for a year and see what happens well the kicker to that is that for the year that im on these meds i cant drive !!! and if i have an episode while on these meds they change the dosage and the year starts all over so here i am on the edge of my 25th birthday and i cant drive !!!! i mean really???...is this really happening ??? so i get the meds home and it turns out that "it is best to avoid alcohol" so now not only cant i drink but i cant drive either !!!!

on another note i am moving in with Joelle once i do manage to get my ass back too stoon so i think it will be lots of fun, my only draw back of it all is that im a little worried when Troy is in town he will bring THE EX over but part of me dosent think he will do that...whatever guess we just have to wait and see.

PS (few extras)
= the hometown team lost the big game...google grey cup 09 if you wanna know why
= its -50 today where i live

GO GREEN AND WHITE !!!

right now my home-province team is playing in the grey cup (canada equvialant to the superbowl) and i really hope they win !!!!

with that out of the way, on to re-cap the last few days in my life....i moved home on wednesday and well the home stay was short lived cause at the "ass crack of dawn" (thanks whiskey girl) on thursday we got up to head down to minot, nd for black friday.
i have never been but my mom went last year and said it was just nuts and let me tell you for any canadains who have never been you dont know how crazy it is till you go....i mean old navy opened at 3am !!! can you belive that !!! anyway we were got up at bout 345 and was at target by 5am so after shopping hard for all the good deals for a couple hours we went back the hotel and unloaded and had bfast and headed back to the mall for more shopping.

all and all it was a really great trip and we got some amazing deals....today i just relazed at home and hung out with J for the am and when he left at noon, i just laid around in my sweatpants. so now that im home i plan to do a whole lot of nothing for the next 2 months but i dont really see that happening cuz i have to head back down to Rtown on the 9th and 16th for some heart stuff then it seems like it will already be christmas and then mexico bitches !!!!

the long goodbye

fri night my phone started ringing at 2am and i knew it was James. i was expecting him to call since i texted him that i was leaving at the end of the month. anyway i pick him up from the bar and we came back here and watched spongebob. he started to get all sentimental bout when we used to watch it together when we were together. we went to bed and cuddled and he said that he felt so safe and loved with me, it might have been the whiskey talking but it was nice to hear all the same. i asked him why when im sure he has more than one girl in his phone does he call me, he said he never really thought about it and he knew that i would always be there for him.

as much bullshit as i have gone through with him in that last few months i am gonna miss him. he was gone out of my life for 3 yrs and now that he is back in it, it makes me sad that he wont be just a cab ride away. i know i cant stay here for him and hold out hope that we will be together one day because if its ment to be then we will find our way back to each other, we did it once so maybe we can do it again. part of me wishes he would open his eyes and see the great thing thats right in front of him but i cant wait forever, i got over him once i can do it again. he will always be the one that got away and there is nothing i can do to change that.
i guess im just in sad place cause i thought i started to build a nice little life for myself here and in a moment that all changed.

 i was happy and now i just feel so lost again.....

so damm easy to add up all the pain

as of tues at lunch i am no longer at my job.

im moving home till we get back from mexico and then back to stoon for feb 1.

am i happy i crashed and burned here in regina? of course not

do i feel like that last few months have been a waste? not entirely, i mean emotionally and mentally i think im better b/c of it but moneywise it was probally one of the worst choices i could have made.

when me and Sam were fighting, she wrote me an email saying that i needed to get my life together....well i had my life together and it got shattered into a million pieces and i felt so very lost but i belive that ive done and am doing the very best that i can to pick up all those pieces and make them fit again.
is it always gonna be bright and shiney ? no its gonna be dark and messy and im gonna hit some high highs and some low lows but i have to have faith that it will all work out b/c if i dont have faith then what am i really fighting for. i dont think it will be easy to live in stoon but thats a bridge i will have to cross when i get there b/c i cant keep running anymore.

kinda weird

what do think about this????

kinda weird dont you think....just some sandwiches sitting in the middle of traffic like that...its almost like they were place there

Monday Morning Confessions

Wow what a whirlwind weekend…amazing but soooo busy.

Friday = took off to Stoon after work and got there bout 8pm and after having a couple red bulls on the 2hr drive, I was ready to do some dancing so I got all dressed up in my boots and jeans and my lil white tank top and we were off. We went to the “twig”, there was a band (who were not bad) but it wasn’t really busy but I still managed to two-step to a few songs but weren’t really feeling it so we took off to “whiskey J’s” and listened to some bad karaoke and watched some even worse dancing and after a quick lil trip to subway, we headed home.

Saturday = I had a great lunch with Mel and took my wonderful but expensive sweat pants into get hemmed so I can wear them on the plane to Mexico (7 more weeks !!) then around 3 I headed back to regina. By the time I got back my friends here were ready to head out on the town so I went with Dani and Jill to “H” and did nothing but dance. I didn’t even talk to any guys, I just needed to dance out my troubles (nothing major as of late but it felt good just the same) it was great we came together and left together after a 3am bfast.

Sunday = hung out at home for the better part of the day but I did got to Sam’s and visit with Mel and Lindsay so it was good to see Mel and Lindsay again but awkward at the same time (me and Lindsay have never really gotten along), I got my things together to start making my Christmas cards for this year and went to bed early.

im very happy I got to see Brandy this weekend, I didn’t realize how much I missed her or how long its really been since ive seen her (4months) I think that’s the longest we’ve ever gone.

Quotes

it is better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self

Funny Story

when I called Kyle on Halloween I talked to some girl, didn’t really think anything of it at the time so this weekend I wrote him a note on fbook just saying that I was sorry bout calling and to give me a call next time he is in the city well last night I went on fbook to see if he wrote me back and right on the little news feed thing in plain black and white “Kyle is in a relationship with so and so” funny thing is that the chick he is now in the relationship is the same girl (I think it is, it’s the same name) as the girl I talked to on Halloween…. How funny is that !!!! I mean I just have to laugh bout it cuz this would only happen to me hahahahahaha oh well on to the next….the rodeo finals are in town the last week of the month so im gonna go to the cabert and find me another cowboy to crush on and unitll then its all good.



On another note this was the sky on my way to work this am….

makes me happy I live where I live, although Im not happy when its -30 and im freezing my ass off but hopefully I will be in sunny mexico when that weather hits

Something very cool

A big thanks to eQ over at Misguided Me for this!

on to the rest of the award... Rules.

• 
  
  Tell 7 things that you don't already know about me.
  
• 
  
  Name 7 other blogs to receive this award
  
• 
  
  Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated
  
• 
  
  Thank the person who gave you the award.
  
  
  
  

7 things you don't know about me...this could be tough.

1. 
   
   I looooove dill pickle flavored spitz (sunflower seeds). I eat them year-round. My best friend and former roommate thought it was the weirdest thing. My ex used to get sooo mad cause there would be rouge shells all over the place. I can't stop; I really think I might have a problem.
   
   
2. 
   
   I love my nephew more than anything in the world and would do anything for him. He is the best thing to happen to my family; he brought us all so much closer together and continues to do so. He is always so happy to see me and with everything that's gone on in my life over that past 6 months, I know that when I get hugs and kisses from him, he really means it. He knows no pain, just pure love.
   
3. 
   
   My mother once told me that she doesn't care what I do in life as long I'm happy and that I don't marry a farmer and now that's all I seem to want to do. I just want to settle down on a little farm and raise horses, have a few dogs and a great big garden.
   
4. 
   
   If I could only listen to one music artist for the rest of my life it would hands down be Garth Brooks. I loooove him, I have every CD and every DVD and every song he's ever sang or sang on, on my ipod My mom got to see him last time he came to Canada, she even touched his boot (soooo jealous of this) I was in grade 4 or 5 at the time so of course I didn't get to go or realize it would be the last time that he would be that close to us (geographically speaking). I was sooo excited to hear he was playing in Vegas but couldn't make the trip cause well its Vegas and with already going to Mexico, I figured it would be a bit much but I'm hoping since all 20 shows sold-out, this will only lead to bigger and better things such as a big tour. I always said I would sell my car to get tickets to go and I still stand by that claim.
   
5. 
   
   I love Italy. I have never been there but I love everything about it, the food, the history, the music…if I could go one place anywhere in the world before I die, it would be Italy.
   
6. 
   
   If I ever win the lottery I would give it all up just to spend one more day with my baba. I miss her everyday and while I know she is watching over me from heaven, I wish that she was here so I could talk to her and just hear her advice on everything that's been going on with me and just to give her one last hug. It breaks my heart to know she wont be there when the big things happen in my life.
   
7. 
   
   Im loving anything with lime in it right now….lime and salt popcorn, bud light lime….cant get enough of it !!!
   
   
   
   

Now the people to receive this cool award….

• 
  
  Drinks on Me
  
• 
  
  Apple a Day
  
• 
  
  Just a Lost Soul Swimmin' in a Fish Bowl
  
• 
  
  because I amuse myself
  
• 
  
  Falling Up Stairs
  
• 
  
  Forever Writing...
  
• 
  
  TWENTY. SOMETHING. || Since 21 can't last forever.
  
  
  
  

heavy heart

i miss Kyle.

i never thought i would.
it was really weird coming to work on monday and not seeing his truck. im upset with myself for not making a move sooner. im upset that its all out of my hands now. im upset that i met someone that i thought i could acutally care about again and i messed it all up with one phone call at 2am.
im in a weird mood. i just want him to be back in the building or to call me and forgive me for the random 2am phone call. i wanna write him on fbook and say sorry but i think that might be a little weird.
my boss said that Kyle said that he dosent think that he is good enough for me. given the chance,i think that should be something i should decide.

i just miss him and im sad because i feel i wont see him again.

trying it sober for awhile...

he never came to the party and i think i may have fucked it all up.

he called at 6pm and said that his buddies bought him a ticket on a pub crawl so he wasnt gonna be able to make it. i went to Sam's and no one was coming to her party so my other friend Dani texted me and asked me if i wanted to come to the bar so i said yes and Sam got mad at me cause i was leaving her "party" but come on im 24 and single and looking sexy so why would i stay there with her and her fiance. i went to the bar drank and danced and called Kyle at like 2am (which i totally regret but i dont remember doing it till today cuz my boss said that he mentioned something to him on sunday) anyway James showed up and left and then i went down hill and just wanted to go home so i went with Dani and a guy she picked up to eat bfast and called James to come get me, which he did and im kinda surprised bout that but whatever he slept over (just slept, nothing happend) and ya that was my halloween.

i think im cursed when it comes to that holiday cause i always set out with the best of intentions and things just fall apart. im staying home next year.

speaking of staying home, im gonna cut back in my drinking cause nothing good comes of it. i mean Kyle probally thinks im pshyco for calling at 2am and i really wanted to make a good impression on him and not let him see that side of me...as far as James goes, we have an understanding and thats just what it will be unitll i get strong enough to walk away from him once and for all...

i feel bad, emotionally, mentally and physically.

step in the right direction

so as ive written in the past i have a huge crush on a guy who works in my building but am such a chicken shit that i haven't made a move...well today that all changed.

as it goes today was his last day with the company he worked for so he came into our office bout 445 and him and my boss sat around bullshitting til bout 500 when we all shut down and just kinda sat and talked,... i know i know get to the point...well my boss started to go on this big tangent bout how he didn't have my number so i gave it to him with Kyle sitting there and didn't really think anything of it so then he is like oh Kyle do i have your number (i know damm well that he did cause he showed me his phone one day) anyway i was getting to walk out the door and my boss looks at me and i knew by the look on his face, he was up to something so he proceeds to tell me that Kyle asked him for my # so he gave it to him and if he was down in the parking lot when i went down there to do with it what i wanted so i made my move...he was down in the parking lot and so i invited him to a Halloween party that Sam is having and he said that he would probably come and so we exchanged numbers...he asked what i was gonna be and i said that he would have to show up to see and so he said what should i be, i was like well what are your options and he said auctioneer or cowboy and so i said go with the cowboy cause it works for you and with that and a wink i walked away feeling pretty damm good bout my self..

im sooooooooooooooo excited !!!! and i really hope he comes to the party the only thing that sucks bout it all is that he is moving to Yorkton to work construction...i really really like him and whatever happens, happens...fate likes to mess with me so im letting go and letting baba and grandpa take care of it all i mean dont get me wrong i will do what i do best but ya :) im sooooo excited !!!

OMG sooo cute and soooo funny

French Bulldog Can't Roll Over - watch more funny videos

monday morning confessions

Well what an interesting weekend….this bullshit with James has got to stop !!! I know that I said I was ok with it but im not and let me tell you why.
At 230 am on Saturday, I got a phone call from him that went a little something like this:
Him = come to the bar
Me= no its 230 im not coming
Him = well if you don't come we cant make out
Me = we aren't gonna make out anyway
(I don't think he heard me) Him = if you don't come we cant cuddle
Me = last time we did that you said it was a mistake
Him = well ive thought a lot about it since then and I think we should sit down and talk alone
Me = ok well if you wanna talk you can call me in the morning
That was it or so I thought…I got another phone call after that and it was pretty similar convo to the first and then another phone call about ½ hour after the second one and that one I just let ring. I found out the next day that he ran into a friend of mine so that's probably what prompted the calls. I dunno what he is sudden need to talk was all about but enough is enough, I need to get in touch with him and not at 3 in the morning and just lay it all out on the line and its all or nothing cause I cant do this with him anymore. For the record, he never called me yesterday but I did call a couple times last night but it just rang and then went to voicemail, I didn't leave a message.

why do i blog???

i have spent a little time this afternoon looking at the blogs i follow and the blogs of note here on blogger and im just wondering whats the point of me blogging...no one reads me, i know i shouldnt care about that and just blog to get my thoughts and my virtual voice out there but i look at these blogs that are for lack of a clever word awesome !!!

for exaple.... The Rest is still unwritten is nothing short of amazing, his thoughts on life, love and the lack of are so honest and raw.....because i amuse myself is so real, i dont know how else to say it, she just puts it out there, just random little thoughts on everyday life.

i dont do any of that, i just whine about boy troubles and well not much else...i dunno i guess im just questioning everything these days and am just fustrated about where i am in my life and where i think i should be....

Country roads take me home…

I have been thinking about what I want out of life lately and I really wanna settle down with a good guy and live on a farm and raise horses and have dogs and just live the simple life. My mother once told me that she dosent care what I do with my life as long as I don't marry a farmer and lately that's all I want to do. Its so weird I never thought I would want to live on a farm considering I grew up on one and was 45 min from any sort of civilation, but I don't know maybe the fact that I've been running from it for so long brings me full circle and I start running back to it.

Plus I'm really over sitting in traffic…I mean it took me like 45 min to get home last night (normally its like 25-30 min) so really not that much long its just dumb drivers in this city and I mean if you are gonna change into my lane then move your ass.

Maybe I just need to take a trip home and recharge my batteries….

monday morning confessions

i was a very good girl over the weekend.

fri= not much happend, although my roomate added Kyle to her fbook and he accepted and so i creeped and learned a few things about him...a) he likes to fish b) he likes to hunt c) he has a big big truck for 4-wheeling d)he smokes e) he is 2 years younger than i am f) he has a puppy....OMG sooo cute in all his pics and ya i think i like him even more now for the hunting and fishing :) not a fan of the smoking but that is something that can be changed

sat= me and Sam went out to the local "country" bar and i say it like that for a reason, i'm soooo not impressed with the quality of the music. they did have a country band but in between sets they played rap and rock and all that bullshit...this is why i looooove the "twig", the only non-country song they play is crazy bitch at 130 am on a saturday night. although the night wasnt a total waste, i did two-step with a very cute irish guy, loooving the accent anyway we danced, talked a little, gave him my number and called it a night. i didnt even kiss him :) which im really proud of, another step in the right direction :)

so ya we will see if he calls or not and im not really expecting him to and im ok with it if he dosent its just nice to get out there.

give it up and let it go

its been 3 weeks and i think im over my crush....i like him but im an old fashion girl and he was interested in me then i would think he would step up and ask me out or whatever...i mean i still like him and think hes a cool guy and would like to get to know him better but its not worth it to worry about how to act around him. so whatever lets chalk it up to "he's just no that into me" and i will move on with my life and if something down the line happens i will post about it and if not then thats ok to.

on the James front...i went out to his place on sunday against all of my better judgement, we watched "love actually" and i came home around 3am, mind you i didnt go out there till almost 12pm so ya...ive become very aware of the kind of realtionship we have and that it only happens when its convient for him and im ok with that because sometimes i just need that company in my life and i will be very curious to see what happens if/when i start dating someone...will he walk away all together or step up when faced with loosing me out of his life altogether again?

i guess we will wait and see on everything....

2 months, 2 weeks and 4 days….

And I will be drinking margaritas, laying on the beach in CANCUN !!!! I might have alluded the fact that I was going but now I can tell everyone cause work knows. I’m soooo stoked !!!
We are going fro 2 whole weeks. We are also going to Cozumel for part of the trip and with all the snow this past long weekend, I’m about over it and ready for a holiday.

Pic of our hotel in Cancun.

Speaking of the long weekend, it was amazing. Short and sweet but amazing. Its crazy how much I missed my family and the best part of was that Friday night when me and mom got home, we went in the house and are being very quite cause J should have been sleeping cause it was like 1030 well he wasn’t cause the moment the door closed we hear these lil footsteps coming running from the back bedroom and as soon as he saw me he gave me the biggest hug and wow best moment ever. I love hugs like that from him cause you know he is genuinely excited to see you and happy you are there.
Like the time he gave me a hug at baba’s funeral, you know those are the true moments of love. In that case people are hugging you and saying sorry and you know they are but it dosent bring her back but when I got that hug from J, everything just seemed like it was going to be ok.

Anyway enough sad memories, this post is supposed to be exciting and it is….i’m super pumped but its hard to tell who is more excited, me and brother for finally getting to go to Mexico or my parents for getting to see us have this amazing experience.

Snow falling on bullshit

i know the tittle of my blog is a little weird but once you get to the end of this post you will understand.

first with the snow...it started snowing here last night which is a far cry from when only 16 short days ago it was +35 as we always say "dont like the weather wait 5min it will change"...i took a pic of what it looked like as i walked out of my house this am...



Three o'clock in the mornin when the telephone started ringin
I had a feeling it would be you
now the bullshit...i woke up this am to 2 missed calls and 3 texts from James, apparently he was at the local country bar and with the snow, no cabs were to be had
so i crossed his mind at some point and he thought it would be a good idea to call me. i didnt answer any of the calls or the texts but its the point of the matter. i cant be friends when its convenient for him. whatever so thats the bullshit im dealing with.

as far as my new crush (Kyle) goes i dunno what to do...i figure if he likes me he can be a man and step up and ask me out but then again i did bake cookies last night and im debating taking some down to his office hahaha. oh and my roomate creeped on him on facebook and was gonna message him but acidently added him as a friend so we will see.

Me...in a nutshell

i must say that i copied and pasted this after i read this, it fits me to a t

Aquarius Woman
Inconsistency and confusion describe the characteristics profile of an Aquarius female. The same goes for her love life too. She is very loyal, but at the same time, she is also a little detached and not extremely emotional. She will be committed and remain faithful too, but do not try to bind her. Let her enjoy her freedom and in return, she will come back to you when she gets tired of her expeditions. Her dreams are very different from that of a normal female and she hums a different tune, which most of us have not even heard of.

An Aquarian female is like a butterfly, which sits on every flower, but belongs to none. She loves her freedom and if you can accept this, she will love you even more. Within her boundless limits, her love will also be limitless. Position and power matter to her more than money and bank balance. If you want her to fall in love with you, be true and honest, not only to others, but also to yourself. You don't need to follow her rules. You can form your own code of ethics, but be sure to live by them.

Passion is not one of the personality traits of Aquarian girl. Rather, her love will be subtle and unassuming. She is intense, but may prefer to be platonic most of the time. Hosting as well as attending parties comes naturally to her and she will always be a social delight. She will trust you completely and will not be unduly suspicious of your activities. You will also not be bothered by too much jealousy or possessiveness on her part. Her trust arises from the fact that before committing, she had dissected your behavior under a microscope.

Only after being convinced of your integrity did she take the next step. Still, if you become unfaithful to her, she will be extremely hurt and is likely to remember the wound for a long time. With an Aquarian female, out of sight means out of mind too. So, make sure to be around here always. She has a very strong will power. If she thinks the relationship is not working and has no chances of improving also, she will break it right away; though doing so may tear her heart into two pieces. Like every Aquarian, she will remember her first love throughout her life.

It's no use getting upset, better be the first love in her life. She will never ever be dishonest in a relationship and even if she indulges in an extra-marital affair, it will end before it even started. She will always try to know your deepest thoughts and secrets, but her own dreams will be beyond your reach. Conversing with an Aquarian female is usually a delight because of her charming manners. Her mind is quite unpredictable and you will find it hard keeping track. She will live in the present, then suddenly be wistful about yesterday and then, become enthusiastic about tomorrow.

She may talk about fairies one day and discard elves as humbug, the other. Never look down on her or she might never look upto you. She respects you and will expect the same in return. As mothers, Aquarian women tend to be very loving and caring. Though in the beginning, they may be a little nervous about the whole idea of motherhood. But once they become comfortable with it, it will come to them naturally. An Aquarius female may find it difficult to express her love in the form of hugs and kisses and you will have to teach her that. She will never overburden the kids with protection.

At the same time, she will always be a patient listener to their childhood and adolescent problems. Teaching them discipline will also be your responsibility. However, for all this to happen you will have to convince her to get married and this certainly isn't an easy job. You will also have to teach her romance, since expressing emotions does not come too easily to her. She will happily hold your hand and walk besides you, but don't expect her to gaze into your eyes for hours at a stretch.

Don't smother your Aquarian girl with too much closeness, she needs her space and will give you, yours too. Things like suspicion, possessiveness, chauvinism and criticism turn her off. Just be nice to her odd bunch of friends and she will warmly welcome yours into the house. Make use of her intuition and insight, it may help you in solving a problem or two. It may seem like wishful thinking now, but then, remember she looks in the future. Hold her hand and she will let you see the future too, where both of you are cozily living together!

monday morning confessions

i am very proud of myself for my actions this past weekend. i went out with a few friends on saturday night and got drunk to just let go of all the stress in my life as of late and being hit on and thus making out with this guy. we danced and whatever hung out all night and then at the end of the night i left with him...now you are probally wondering whats the difference between this any other time she has left with a guy well let me tell you...we get to his place and are making out on his bed and it was like a light went off and i realized that i could either stay and follow through with what we all know was gonna happen or i could remove myself and walk away from yet another mistake so thats what i did...i said i need to leave so he called me a cab and i went home and woke up feeling like crap (cuz of drinking so much) but mentally and emotionally i felt pretty damm good.

i did think of calling H or JD but i didnt so i feel pretty good about where im at with all this, now this is just one time in a long line of mistakes but at least its a start and the truth will be seen if i go out and drink and whatever again and remove myself which im pretty sure i will do cause once i make my mind up about something there is no talking me out of it.

What do i do ????

I have a really big crush on this guy who works in my building (we don’t work for the same company) and I’ve never met a guy out of the bar (maybe reason I’m still single) so I don’t know what to do….like how do I approach him??? I mean we make small talk in the cafeteria and hallways but I don’t want to let him pass me by and I just don’t know what to do I’ve never been in this situation before….he makes me nervous and giddy and I just get flustered around him...i don't wanna ask him for coffee cuz if he shoots me down then it will be awkward, mind you the building is big enough for me to avoid him till we move offices in like a year but then again i guess its better than not knowing....i just havent felt like this in awhile...i dont know how to flirt sober !!!!

lost....

I’m having a tough couple days…

I just feel so lost…

I get paid tomorrow but its not enough…I only get $740 and my car costs were $755 and change so its not even enough to cover that let alone rent for the month and gas for the week….i don’t know how I’m going to make it work….im going to have to go crawling to mom and dad again for like the millionth time this month.

Some days I just want to give up and move home but then I will just feel like I failed…I just feel so lost since the end and I don’t feel like I will ever get that sense of goodness back…

I just feel like I should be farther along in my life than I am….


on another note, there is a cute new actioner working in my building so i have a new crush...im sure i will be over the crush by the end of the week but for now he is just something good to look at and super nice and just an all around good guy

monday confessions

i dont really have anything to confess, i had a pretty laid back weekend. i was feeling run down all weekend so i just slept and chilled; however i did get a lil shock saturday night around 330 am !!!
JD called. ya thats right no text this time and while its the first time since i ran into back in june that hes called (i know i know why am i wasting my time with him, i'm not really anymore) i'm not really impressed that he called at 330am and even less impressed when i know he was only calling for a booty call...whatever its all just bullshit !!! this is why i cant just be friends with him.

other bit of news, not sure if i mentioned this before but the company i work for is moving to MJ within the next year and i'm really excited about it !!! my family and most of my friends havent been that supportive but whatever im living this life not them so whatever i guess i cant really say that i wont go i just have to wait and see where i am in a year.

totally worth it !!

so wednesday i left work at 3 pm and headed out of town to the Keith Urban concert 2 and 1/2 hours away. i made it there, almost....i was 10 km out of the city and my car broke down !!

needless to say i was very upset and even thought about calling my ex for help (i didnt) anyway after about 30 calls to my mom,friends letting them know i was gonna be late and my boss telling him i wasnt gonna be in tomorrow... i sucked it up and called a tow truck and decided to deal with it in the am.

i really believe someone upstairs loves me because we made it to the concert with time to spare before Lady A opened up the show.
they were amazing !!! i was so excited to see them and am happy they lived up to my expectations and its a good thing we listend to their cd all week in the office cause i knew like all the songs. they have this really great song called "long gone" and OMG its totally my new fave song.

so now on to KEITH URBAN...he opened the show with "hit the ground runnin" which is my fave song by him at the moment and thats exactly what he did. the energy of the show was amazing !!! you can really tell that he loves his fans and appreciates that they pay these crazy ticket prices and come out to the show, he even mentioned it. anyway the two best parts of the night was
1. a little bit into the show he made his way down our side of the arena and we took some amazing pics and i touched his shoulder !!!
2. with only a few songs left in the show, he came up the stairs by our seats and performed on a lil stage 3 or 4 rows above where we sat !!!!

after the show me and JL ran into KS (who was a pretty nice guy considering all the bullshit) in the parking lot and headed to the "Twig" and drank some bud light lime and danced the night away. the next day i sat at the garage where my car was being fixed from 10am to 4pm, while they figured out what was wrong with my car (turned out to the fuel pump) and fixed my car. so after a very long and tiring day of sitting, i paid my $836 and was on my way back home.

so now i'm back at work and back in RTown and super sleepy, sore and broke today but as far as im concered it was a great night and totally worth it.

KEITH URBAN

I AM GOING TO KEITH URBAN TONITE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!




OMG, i got these tickets back in april and thought this day couldnt get here quick enough !!! i'm only sad cause my bff, B, cant come. she is doing her internship (something she has waited 4 years to do) so i guess i cant really blame her, but its here its finally here !!!! i feel like a 3yr old on christmas morning.

sidenote= this will be the first and only concert i have or will ever be sober for hahaha and thats maybe thing but whatever i like to party and have a good time and i do that with beer so sue me hahaha

Untittled

you know i'm not really sure how to tittle this post, i wanna think of something witty to say that will sum up the jist of what i'm about to dive into.

so i'm pretty sure i am developing a crush on this guy at work, although he dosent work in my office (he works in another branch), i talk to him bout 12 times a day and he is always so polite and sweet. now i know what you are thinking, i have a crush i to some guy i talk to on the phone and i have met him. my first week at my new job, he was in the office and OMG super cute and just a good ole country boy all around. i smile just thinking bout him hahaha.
however, i'm not sure if he's married or involved with anyone so i think i will just let it be cause i mean really its just a crush and i think that i just need this lil crush to distract me from all the bullshit with JD and me feeling bad bout blowing off D (really nice guy, i'm just not that into him)

midnight musings

i'm staying at SM's house tonight cuz her man is gone to a party and she dosent like to stay alone so i'm babysitting so to speak but it has been fun, we are just getting read for bed so i thought i would stop and update ya'll on whats been going on in the last couple days.

last night JD texted me for a couple hours, just basic what are you up to bullshit and i am sorry to say but i did answer him back mainly one word answers but even still and so tonight again the what are u up to texts started around 1130 so i know he's drinking but this is bullshit, we agreed to be friends so just leave it at that, i dont text my friends at random hours on the weekend, i talk to them durning normal hours and durning the week and so as much as he thinks last weekend was a mistake i think he's keeping my on the backburner for something else but whatever its all or nothing with him and i'm staying strong on that one.

i havent heard from D since our date, well thats a lie (i dont know why i just did that) he texted me fri afternoon and again tonight but i dont think i'm that into to him. i dunno i think i need a break from it all cause the best things happen when your not looking right??? whatever i mean i feel a little bad but thats just how i feel.

so on to something that isnt related to guys and all the bullshit that comes with that...i messed up my shoulder, i went for a massage today cause the pain kept me up all last night and the girl who did my massage said that all the sitting at this new job and whatever could have caused it so now here i sit with an ice pack on my shoulder and i can already feel that its gonna be sore tomorrow.

well thats all i got for you for now...i'm off to bed so till next time....

ready for the sunshine

last night i got my answer concerning JD, we are just gonna be friends, he thinks saturday was a mistake and wants to just to stay friends so i told him that it would be hard for me to do that because my feelings for him havent changed for him havent changed in the last 4 years but i would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all but after processing it till like midnight i dont think i can do that, i think with him its all or nothing and thats fine i was fine for 3 years with him not in my life so these past months was just a nice lil bonus so if he ever texts me or calls again then I need to just say to him if you don’t want something more, please don’t talk to me because its just to hard for me…you know there was a point over the last lil bit where I thought I would never be happy with someone again like I was with C but after just getting that giddy excited feeling with JD lets me know that I can have that again and it will happen when its supposed to happen, so ya I’m taking a break from boys till agrabition when I hope to find a good ole country boy hahaha

If ten million fireflies....

So my boss came into work today and introduced me to this amazing band and song…they are Owl City and the song is Fireflies, here are the lyrics and a link to the video…its amazing !!! they are my new fave

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude, but I
Would just stand and stare.

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems.

Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightening bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance.
A foxtrot above my head,
A sock-hop beneath my bed,
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread.
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems.
(When I fall asleep.)

Leave my door open just a crack.
(Please take me away from here.)
Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
(Please take me away from here.)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here.)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep
To ten million fireflies.
I'm weird, cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell.
But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Cause I saved a few,
And I keep them in a jar.

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
Cause everything is never as it seems.
(When I fall asleep.)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd
Rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams


http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9vyxf_owl-city-fireflies_music

more confused than ever

Oh what a weekend….i am more confused than ever after the events of this past weekend.

Friday night I had a date with D, who I meet online and have been texting for just a lil over a month, and it went really well. We have a lot in common and I dunno I guess it kind of goes into my next issue….Saturday night I met up with JD at a bar ( I did go out with DP for her bday party but she was heading home so I told him I would come meet him) so ya we danced and drank all night and 2 of his buddies came up top me and asked me what the deal was with us…I mean what are we in high school like have some balls and come ask me yourself anyway to make a long story short he came home with me for a lil sleepover ;) hahaha and I basically poured my heart out to him, saying that my feelings for him haven’t changed in the last 4 years and that I;ve missed him and ya now my only problem is that we were both pretty drunk so im not really sure if he remembers me saying anything but he did tell me he likes me too and likes the way he feels when he;s around me…

So I talked to B last night and she said that I just need to take him out for coffee and just lay it all out on line again because what I really have to loose at this point? I guess I’m just scared because if I do say all this then I run the risk of not having him in my life at all but I cant keep doing what I’m doing with him, its not fair. He is almost preventing me from dating anyone else….i just feel like i am in this really grey area with him and I’m more confused than ever and this bullshit needs to stop. We either need to be friends or be in a relationship, we cant be friends with benefits because I’m too emotionally invested and there is too much history there and worse case scenario, I will loose him out of my life and like B said I did just fine for 3 years without him in my life and I did just fine so I could do it again if need be and if I pour my heart out to him and he shuts me down then at least I will know because I’ve been screwed around before and I don’t want to do that again with JD.

getting there

In the last little bit I have been questioning whether my move was the right now and struggling with where I’m going and what I’m doing here and life in general. Well I finally believe I will be alright here. I have had really good past couple days and maybe I’m just riding the high of that but even so. I’m in a really good mood today but super tired and not really sure why but I am sucking down coffee like its going out of style.

Last night JD texted me asking what I was up to this weekend and while we might not hang out, it’s a big improvement from him texting at 630 pm on a Saturday asking me to hang out so whatever I’m leaving it all up to fate cause it has a funny way of bringing us together despite all the random bullshit that seems to go on. Also D, a guy I met online and have been texting for the better part of a month, asked me to go for drinks on Friday and I feel really bad if I blow him off to hang with JD but such is life and its not like I know this guy really great its just texting which is weird cause you thing we would have talked on the phone or whatever but nothing I don’t know and then Saturday night I have DP’s bday party which I’m really excited about so all in all its shaping up to be a pretty busy weekend and little life I got going on down here. I’m starting to feel….i don’t want to say settled but getting there.

where did i make that wrong turn???

well i had a great long weekend at home, got to go to the cabin one last time and see my nephew,J once more before thanksgiving cause thats probably the next time i will be home...my mom and my geido gave me some cash to keep me going till the end of the month ($20 of which i spent last night on supper with JD (whole other story) )
so ya all and all it was a pretty sweet weekend other than driving 4 hrs and 45 min home and back by myself and the cold weather but what are you gonna do i mean it is sept.

i did have a breakdown on saturday night cause mom started asking me all about my job and where i'm gonna get $$$ from and what not and i just started crying cause sometimes i look at where i am and look at where i could be and i wonder where did i go wrong??? where did i turn left when i should have turned right??? i'm just wondering if i will ever get it together ???? maybe there are things in my life that i could have done differently but would i be the same person i am now if that was the case....

don't get me wrong i am happy with my job and the way things have happened since the end but do i wish things would have stayed the same? of course... could it have been worse ?? oh yea

i dunno i'm just in a weird mood today....on to JD, i'm just gonna leave things be with him and if he is nothing more than a distraction till something better comes along then so be it but if in time i get to a better place mentally and emotionally and someting becomes of whatever it is that we are doing now then awesome but if we stay friends i'm really ok with that as well....

maybe a wrong turn can take u where u are ment to be...

i've been doing alot better since i last wrote... oh who am i kidding that is a total lie hahaha i write here to be honset with what im feelinga and thinking and if im lying here then im lying to myself and i really need to stop that and start being honest with with how i feel and what i want....there are good days and bad days im starting to realize that the move may have been the best thing in the greater sense of the word, im starting to starting to feel the reality of what a big step it was

ive had a few breakdowns since i last wrote and maybe i am just questioning my reasons for moving down here...i cant always be running away can i ?

i'm ready to start my new job tomorrow and maybe thats part of the reason ive been feeling so lost is that i have really no reason to get up and get going in the morning but i hope that will change. i'm really nervous, i mean im nervous at the start of any new job but it makes me more nervous to think this is it, im starting to put down roots and while i believe this is a good thing...i dunno i think i just have some hesition because starting a job makes it real all over again but then again maybe this is a sign of things to come like im starting to get my shit together and starting to put my life back on track.

on the relationship side of things, i did hang out with JD last week and maybe again tonight but after the last little bit i dont know if thats what i really want either...i think i need to take a step back from it all and really let myself feel the end of things with C and up until now i dont think ive really let myself do that

it hasnt been a fun place to be emotionally and mentally these past few months but maybe now that i realize what i need to do the fog that ive been living in will start to lift and something amazing will come along b/c if it did right now i dont think i would know because im not in the right state of mind to accept whatever it would be....in saying this do i believe the worst is over? yes, do i believe that there wont be anymore days that i wont miss him with all that i am ? no, do i think that im getting stronger because of it all ? yes

ive said it before and i will say it again i just have to keep taking it day by day and breath by breath, step by step and it will work itself out in the end.

"good things fall apart so better things can fall together"

starting to wonder

my last post was all about being in Rtown and starting to feel like its where im supposed to be but after the last little bit ive had i'm just not so sure anymore.....

i'm still jobless and i think thats the main thing that is stressing me out...i have less than $100 in my account so i'm starting to think desperate times call for desperate measures and ya maybe i havnt put all my effort into gettin a job but i have applied at more than 20 places so i just dont know what else to do except keep sending out resumes....i have some follow up calls to make tomorrow so hopefully i will get a lead off that....

i moved into my place and staying here feels like i'm home, its just so weird, although i must admit its a lil i dont wanna say awkward but nerve-wracking when the lady who owns the house is around just cause ive never lived with anyone that i didnt know first but oh well hopefully i will start working soon and things will be alright

i have a date with a boy i met online on thursday so i hope that goes good and whatever what is the worst that could happen???
me and JD are going no where, he texts me at random times with random questions so whatever im not putting any energy into that cause he knows how to get ahold of me, i just dont care anymore its just bullshit...

i'm in a weird mood today so i'm gonna sign off before i start rambling.....

right where i belong

well i have lived in Rtown for a few days now and i am loving it although i'm kinda choked at JD for two months all i heard form him was when are you coming to Rtown and what not and friday we were watching the local football game get their ass kicked but whatever he asked me to come over and i said no cause it was my first night in Rtown and i didnt wanna be the girl who ditched her friends for a guy again so i asked what he was doing sunday and asked if he wanted to go see this band that we both like play he said had a gift opening but maybe anyway me and SM and RB and CP went to SW's wedding saturday night so i texted JD at 3pm when we got back to town and asked if he still wanted to go and its now tuesday at like 5 and nothing so whatever i'm really upset cause its almost like he wanted me cause i wasnt here and now that i am nothing so whatever

on a better note i have a second interview for a job i really want, they interviewd 12 people, 6 yesterday and 6 today and now i'm getting called back with 4 other people for an interview on thursday and i'm really excited cause i think i would be really great at it and i want it so bad but i will just do what i can do and hope for the best, if im ment to be at that job then i will and if not then there is nothing i can do.

i move into my new place on the weekend and i'm starting to feel like Rtown is where i belong for this point in my life and as much as i dont like to be alone i really need to get my shit together before i get a bf but right now i'm not really sure i want one i just need to be on my own and find out who i am all over again and i think i'm starting to make progress on that front as well as getting over the bullshit that happend with C cause i'm still really bitter and its very apparent to everyone around me hahaha

seriously !!! is this my life?????

over the weekend i was supposed to celebrate MB's wedding to a wonderful man...

the day started out just fine, i went for a drink with JL and then to get my hair done at which point fate and timing were not on my side...i got my hair trimmed and just as she was about to do my updo, i started to get hot and dizzy this is the last thing i remember before it all went black....thats right i fainted and not only that but i had seiziure so of course i was rushed to the hospital and put through a battery of tests which is nothing new at this point when i faint...my hair appt was at 4 and by the time i got out of the hospital it was right around 930....mel was married and i had missed it all...i was extremly sad and disapointed in myself .... i had missed my best friends wedding and that is something that i wont get back....

however i am going to see a specialist so maybe he can tell me why this has been happening so often and now getting worse because something is wrong somewhere and .... i just wish they would give me a pill to fix it all not say well everything is normal and send me on my way....

Home

i've been home for well at least a week now and spent 90% of my time up at the lake (cuz of work but still) and its amazing how much you let go when you want to....i am usually done work around 130 pm so i go to the beach for the better part of the rest of the day and just sitting/laying there listening to the waves and the wind and all the lake sounds really puts things in check. JL texted me the other night asking how things were going and i said its amazing how the lake the does the soul good....i have no stress, no drama, no bullshit.

speaking of no stress, no drama, no bullshit...i am taking a break from guys this summer...B dosent think i will last but i am standing firm on my nothing but kissing policy....i really hit rock bottom the last little bit and ya i dont want to go back there...

not much else to write about, today we are having J's 2nd bday party and he has grown so much in the last year and ya he is still amazing and i love him more than anything....

i will try and write at least once a week if i get home that much...the way its going i will most likely have weekends off but who knows once summer offically starts

Monday Confessions

I know its Tuesday and not Monday confessions but whatever I don’t have a computer and in 2 and ½ days I wont be near one on a daily occurrence so the blogs might get a little long but I will try and keep ya’ll updated every few days….

This past weekend I went out of town to one of my very best friend’s shower/stagette. It was really nice to see and catch up with some people I haven’t really seen since I started dating C like 3 years ago….and then there were some people I could go without seeing for the rest of my life like my blast from the past…H!
oh that’s right he rolled up to the combined stag/stagette even though he isn’t really close to either my friend or the guy she is marrying….anyway we were all sitting around the fire drinking and having a good time and its getting later in the evening so I’m cold so me and L(my friends husband to be) go get our coats and H follows us and is all like oh lets talk, oh I miss you, blah blah blah…in all the bullshit that has gone in the last few months its nice to know something’s never change….like the fact that H tells me get has a new truck (big deal to farm kids) and asks if I want to go for a ride and to this day I’m pretty proud that I said no and walked away from him (we started dating shortly after I took a ride in his last truck) we also joked about how we will probably end up together when its all said and done….
When he first showed up at the party I had a mini panic attack and why I’m not really sure cause after talking to him I know there is nothing there in terms of attraction anymore but I dunno I guess cause he was all the major firsts for me (except kiss that was a bull rider from a small town near S) I dunno what it is about H that makes me panic well not really panic just get nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach maybe cause there is so much history there….seeing him felt a little like validation in that I may not be where I wanted to be at 24 but I am certainly not the same person I was when I was 16 or even 19 for that matter (we first met when I was 16 and started dating at 19)

Another little tid-bit of new that happened over the weekend into yesterday is that MO was texting me all Saturday night (while I’m dealing with H) and was like we have to get together before I leave for the summer….so yesterday he texted me at like 730 asking if I wanted to hang out and watch a movie and I wasn’t doing anything important so I said ok….10pm rolls around and he shows up (he was texting me the whole time cuz random stuff came up that he had to do so whatever) anyway he works at 6 every day it wasn’t a long visit but he asked if we could hang out tonight so he said he would text me when he gets off work at like 630-700 so ya I guess I will just see where it all goes…I mean we have fun together and there were no awkward silences it was just comfortable but I mean come on I have 2 and ½ days left…..

Well that was a lot of information to get out in a blog but get used to it cause this is what’s it’s gonna be like until I get a computer again and blog day by day….

lost...

i have all this freedom to do what i want in the fall but i am sooo scared to take that next step...i just feel so lost...i wish someone would just tell me this is what you're doing in the fall and then i will just do it...i was talking to B last night and she said she could hear in my voice how excited i got even just talking about moving to the R and how not excited i was to stay in S...

i have been making a pro/con list with those two places and BC on it and i think i just need to take the leap and move to R and worst comes to worst i can always come home....there would be no fear, no past, no nothing standing in my way...

i think B was right when she told me that i am not strong enough to stay in S without her b/c she will be gone till after new years and ya i just need to get out and get away from it all and maybe R is a place where i can be happy...BC is to much of a distancce to see if i would be happy there

so ya this is the thoughts that are running though my head these days...in the end though i am going to wait to see what summer brings...

Was it ment to be...?

This past weekend I went to my very good friend’s homecoming party and it was great…soooo good to catch up with old friends and make some new ones…the only downer about the whole weekend was that it rained the whole time and even though this party was 2 hours south of where I live it is now raining here and I’m not liking it…I just want to be at home in my comfy pj’s, drinking coffee, watching bad TV and painting and/or scrapbooking (got lots of pics to scrap from the weekend)

I also had a blast from the past on Saturday night….we were out at the bar dancing away the night when I feel this hand on my hip and I turn around expecting it to be some guy who wanted to dance with me (so not into guys right now, just want to be me and myself) and who is but JD!!!!
The story behind him is that we dated for a couple months when I was going to university and it never really ended I mean we just kind of both got busy and stopped seeing each other, anyway I ran into him at craven the summer after university and then again in the fall and a football cabaret and now 3 years later at the bar…it was crazy, we had a beer and caught up as much as you can while drinking and talking with loud music around…I found out that he bought a farm and started his own company so it sounds like he is getting things together and growing up a lot…we exchanged numbers and well who knows what will happen… its so funny cause as we catching up he told me he still watches spongebob squarepants and still thinks of when we used to cuddle on the couch and watch it and ya it makes me happy that he still thinks of me fondly and that I have always been in his life in some small way
maybe I’m just over thinking it to much but maybe we are meant to end up together…maybe we just had to go out into the world and make our own mistakes and successes and then find our way back to each other….I don’t know I just don’t want it to be another 3 years before we see each other again and ya we always had fun together, it was always easy and I just felt like I could be myself around him…

i guess i will just have to wait and see what happens....leaving this one all up to fate

just another day...

saturday night me and AG had our movie night...we didnt go see UP cause he was out of town for the day and didnt get back to the city till like 1020 and the movie started at 1010 so we rented nick and norah's infinate playlist(great movie) and taken and had a night in....it was nice we cuddled on the couch and had a sleepover....
i'm not sure how to feel about it all...i dont want to get too excited cause i dont wanna have to deal with the dissapointment plus what can really happen when i only have two weeks left in the city....i think i will just let it all be and see what happens....

i have started seeing a counsellor....i had a breakdown friday after work and mom and B said that yes maybe its time i start seeing someone with an unbiased view of it all cause they dont know what to say or how to help me anymore....so i went and it was good, she kinda told me what everyone has been telling me for the past couple months but she also said i'm a realtionship-orinated person not just in actual realtionships but with family and friends as well...she said that i need to focus on just being me and breathing on my own and finding out who i really am and what i really want...she put into words my feelings about the whole thing....i am seeing her again on the 12th and that will be probably it and we will see how the summer goes and where i end up because on that point i'm still not sure...i like where i am now cause i have people here who do care about me but i could really go anywhere from sasky to BC cause i have family in every province....if i am ment to be somewhere then thats where i will end up....

wherever you go, that's where you are

It would be funny if it wasn’t my life….

There has been a lot going on in the last week that this blog might be all over the place….

A few weeks ago I went out to the bar with a few friends and one of their friends brought along this really good-looking, nice guy so I was talking to her asking her where they met and you know the nice things to say when you meet a friends new man for the first time well she said they met on cupid.com, so I got to thinking and decided I would sign up, I mean what’s the worst that could happen….I know I know but even still I decided to give it a shot...pretty soon this guy messaged me and we began exchanging messages and now we are meeting for coffee tomorrow afternoon in a very public place during daylight hours and if it goes bad then it’s only a cup of coffee and if not then it could extend into more than just coffee but I am going in eyes and ears open.

On Tuesday me and JL decided we were gonna go to the movies…well last night I got a call from her telling me and KS had texted her asking her if she wanted to go with him and CS and his new gf, she’s like uh no cuz I am going with TW and he’s all like oh which one , she’s like not sure yet but I will let you know and he’s like ya cuz it might be awkward….all I can do is laugh at the whole situation cause she doesn’t even like him like that and he has got it bad for her but what makes me shake my head is that she never hung out with him until me and her became friends and it just blows my mind how these boys think I mean would they not know me and her hang out even after all the disaster that is this break-up….and how awkward would that be for her I mean if he wanted to ask her out why would he suggest coming with his brother and his new gf why just take her out just the two of them...ARRRRRG !!!! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE ABOUT ALL THIS BULLSHIT!!!!
So in the end we decided to have our movie night in…I have no respect for him after all the lies and cheating but I don’t need to see him and his new gf out and about on the town ARRRRRG !!!

Now speaking of movies, me and AG are going to see UP tomorrow night because he made fun of me for wanting to go see it so I told him that we should go together and he will love it.

That is my life and let me tell you if I was watching this all happen to someone else it would be funny….I just have to laugh to keep for falling apart…I need to get out of the city and get away from all this bullshit that keeps happening to me and just have fun and I dunno I know I said I wanted to say in the city cause I don’t feel like it’s fair that he take that from me but I honestly don’t know if I can…..

My own backyard

Lately I have been taking walks around my neighborhood mainly cause its really nice out and I don’t wanna be stuck inside all evening but also because I was going to join the gym but why pay to walk on the treadmill when I can walk around outside in the beautiful weather.

My condo is on the edge of a golf course, now before you go getting all jealous it’s not as fancy as it sounds. I live on a crescent and there are like 12 buildings with apartments and condos in them and the end of the all the parking lots to the east is golf course. Then a few blocks down from my crescent is a civic center with a pool and a library and all that.
I put on my ipod and get dressed up with my runners and sunglasses and off I go. I have started going around 8 pm because it’s still sunny out and usually there are people out and about walking/running/biking/doing various other outdoor activities.

Yesterday I took my camera with me, thinking I could capture some really great images and I did but I was also a bit of a dork lol I took a few self portraits mainly for f-book but also to my in my scrapping album cause with no bf and all my friends out of town for the summer or planning weddings I need something a little more to concentrate on in that area but that’s an issue for another blog.
I will try and post pics from yesterday as soon as I can but with no computer in the house right now it might be kind of hard. B moved out for the summer/fall and took her comp with her so no more creeping on f-book and it will even get hard next week cause I wont be at the same job everyday like I have been for the last 3 weeks.

Speaking of work, I’m really sad to leave here. I feel like I have made some real connections here and am really sad to have to walk away from it. I think that’s the worst thing about being a sub, you go into these schools for a couple days or weeks and make these connections and then its all gone one day. I have gotten used to the joking around with the period prep teachers on the morning coffee break. They just make me laugh and smile even on the bad days.

I guess that’s life, if I’m meant to be somewhere then that’s where I will end up. I believe this is true for anything and everything that is happening in my life right now.

Monday Confessions

So you know how I had this huge crush on RK well that’s all over with. MB, AH and I all went out a cabaret on Saturday and he was there but was hitting on this other girl all night and kind of didn’t really want anything to do with me so whatever I drank and danced the night away even ran into a few people I hadn’t seen in a really long time like MO but more on that later.
Towards the end of the night AG comes up to me and says that he knows what happened between me and RK and starts to tell me that the next day when everyone asked him what happened he said nothing, now I didn’t really want him to go bragging about it but why lie and say nothing happened so whatever … so I tell AG that I felt really bad about how it all went down when he was putting in all the work and being all nice and hitting on me then RK just swoops and and takes over like, he said that its just the way he is; however he then tells me that RK told him that it was payback for AG doing the same thing to him like 2 months ago or something !!! I was so fucking pissed!! I mean why be like that? I’m soooo mad that I got played like that. Its just bullshit!!! Whatever so that put a real quick end to my crush on RK, I don’t need that kind of drama and games in my life right now so what did I end up doing…taking AG home for the night and one little bonus to that is that I get to go go-carting on Sunday cause I have never been and he offered to take me J

This brings me to another point; I woke up Sunday morning feeling pretty low and bad about how things have gotten out of control with my behavior. I have been with 6 guys since my breakup and I don’t know why. I think I drink so that I don’t have to deal with the fact that CS has a new gf and then drinking leads to the bad choices I have been making…I don’t know its just hard to be alone and I really do think that I am trying to fill that void that I still have in my life…I need to stop and think and stop trying…I just feel so lost with it all. I thought I was doing alright but B said that I need to have huge reality check cause this can’t continue because I will never find what I want or need.

Now all about MO….We went on a couple dates back when I was going to university and that was it until one day I was creeping on facebook and found him and added him as a friend…we exchanged numbers and are going to go for drinks to catch up and remember old times, he has a gf but I’m glad that I can him back in my life cause I thought were really good together and can be great friends.